Integrity Counseling Services

Pennsylvania's Premier Center for Catholic Counseling and Spiritual Direction

Category: Couples Counseling

Empathy and Apologies: Beginning the Healing Process for Couples

By Peter C. Kleponis, PhD, LPC, SATP, CSAT — Bill and Kathy are in their mid-forties.  They have been married 20 years and have six children. Bill is a military officer and Kathy is a stay-at-home mom. Kathy sought marital counseling when she caught Bill viewing Internet pornography. A scan of the history on his laptop computer, cell phone and tablet revealed that he had been viewing pornography every day for months.  After an individual counseling session with Bill, it was determined that he was addicted to pornography.  Kathy felt devastated. For her, Bill’s use of pornography was as serious as an extramarital affair. Trust and marital vows had been broken. She cycled through many emotions: shock, numbness, anger, sadness, fear, etc. Bill felt a deep shame and sadness. He didn’t realize how deeply his pornography use would hurt Kathy. He was also shocked when he realized he was addicted to pornography. According to Bill, pornography was simply “adult entertainment.” It was also encouraged among men in the military. Both knew they needed help and were eager to work on recovering from the addiction and healing their marriage.

To begin the healing process, counseling is needed. It’s important to find a therapist who is trained to work with couples that have been affected by sexual addiction, betrayal and trauma.  More importantly, the husband should be the one to locate such a therapist. He needs to take the initiative to work on healing the marriage. This speaks volumes to his wife about how sorry he is and that he is committed to fixing the damage that was caused by the pornography use.

Understanding Her Pain

After admitting there is a problem and seeking help, the first thing a man needs to do to heal his marriage is to truly understand how his pornography use has hurt his wife.  Early in the healing process, I invite couples to a marital session.  In that session, I ask the wife to describe how pornography use has affected her. She needs a safe place to share how deeply she has been hurt. This can be very painful for husbands to hear; however, they need to know how their selfish actions have hurt their wives. They need to have healthy empathy for their wives. I often witness men begin to cry in counseling sessions as they hear about the pain they’ve inflicted on their wives. Their hearts are broken because they realize how deeply they have hurt the persons they vowed to love and honor all the days of their lives. This deepens their commitment to working on healthy recovery and to healing their marriage. The road to restoring the marriage may be long and hard, but knowing you understand her pain sets a firm foundation for effective healing.

The therapy session where Kathy shared how deeply she had been hurt was difficult for Bill. For most of the session he sat silently. He tried to hold back tears of sadness. The guilt and the shame were almost unbearable.  Still, he knew he needed to hear this. He needed to know the extent of the damage he had caused. As difficult as this was for him, it helped Kathy to know that he finally understood how she felt. She needed his empathy. His heart broke for her and he was ready to offer a sincere apology and be committed to healing and recovery for himself, Kathy and their marriage.

Healthy Apologies

In addition to understanding her pain, a wife needs to know her husband is truly sorry for the harm he caused. An apology needs to be heartfelt and sincere. Often men will offer apologies that are not sincere. They might say “I’m sorry if you feel hurt by my pornography use” or “I’m sorry if pornography offends you.”  These apologies are weak and lack any acknowledgement of personal responsibility. With a sincere apology, you take full responsibility for your actions and the pain you’ve caused and you express true remorse. You acknowledge the results of your actions, such as:

  • Marital betrayal and violated trust
  • Wasted money on pornography
  • Lose of valuable time with your wife and children
  • Wife feeling lonely and rejected
  • Infecting your wife with sexually transmitted diseases
  • Being a hypocrite to others around you

Bill was heartbroken as he heard Kathy relate how his pornography use and addiction hurt her and their children. He couldn’t believe how cruel and selfish he had been. His apology sounded something like this:

“Kathy, I now realize how my use of pornography has deeply hurt you and I am so     sorry. I know it was selfish of me. I broke our marriage vows. I know you must have felt lonely and rejected by me because of it. I never meant to hurt you or the kids. I know I have a lot of work to do to overcome my addiction and restore our marriage, but please know that I am committed to it. I don’t ever want to hurt you or the kids ever again. Please forgive me.”

 While Kathy was still hurt and angry with Bill, she knew his apology was sincere. This gave her hope that Bill could overcome his addiction and they could restore their marriage. While there was much work ahead, they left the counseling session with a renewed hope for their marriage. 

Integrity Counseling Services

Difficult Conversations

By Cynthia G. Dowling, MA, LMFT, Integrity Counseling Services — Many clients come to me experiencing anxiety after exploring relationships in their lives, whether they are personal, work or community-based. Together we often find that they are feeling stuck in certain aspects of their lives because of a fear of having difficult conversations. Very few people enjoy hurting someone they love and care about. This fear or apprehension — holding one back from having a difficult conversation — can lead to feelings of anxiety, resentment and frustration. Identifying strategies for having these important conversations can lessen anxiety and increase the likelihood of people overcoming their fear.

Here are strategies I’ve outlined below:

Be mindful of your approach. Choosing your words thoughtfully, and making sure you speak in a kind tone, can start your conversation in the right direction. If one starts a conversation in an angry, frustrated or blaming tone, the other person will immediately feel defensive.

Stay on topic. Think about what you are hoping to accomplish in your conversation. Then, decide what your talking points will be and stay focused on them. During this process keep in mind what you feel you need to say to feel heard. Make sure to only bring up one or two topics in the conversation. More than that could cause the person you are confronting to feel overwhelmed and attacked.

Refrain from insults or putting the other person down. Whatever the issue is, it is causing you to feel a certain way. Make sure to speak using “I” statements, owning your feelings. “I” statements are a helpful way to take responsibility for how you feel or what you believe, and they help the listener to not feel blamed.

Think about possible outcomes. What would be the best-case scenario for the outcome of the conversation? What could be the worst? Know that the outcome will most likely be in the middle of the two scenarios.

In person vs. a letter/email.  Sometimes people feel they can be more to the point and less emotional by writing a letter or email vs. an in-person conversation. A letter/email can also be helpful if the person you need to speak to has a history of being reactive or defensive. The downside of this option is the possibility that you won’t receive a response.

Be open to compromise and hearing the other person’s perspective. Having difficult conversations opens us up to receiving feedback that could be positive or negative. Having knowledge of this going into the conversation is important. It is important to be open to finding a compromise moving forward. Having the ability to see our own imperfections or faults is hard; however, it is part of the process of growing and healing.

Having difficult conversations can be scary. The reality is the conversation will never go exactly as planned and that is OK. If you are holding back from addressing an issue and it is resulting in anxiety or frustration, it is important to vocalize what has been bothering you. The more you have these difficult conversations, the easier they become. Speaking the truth to someone in a kind and respectful way can result in feeling as if a weight has been lifted off you. The results of speaking your truth can be life changing.

Cindy Dowling Therapist Integrity Counseling Services

Integrity Counseling Services Welcomes Cindy Dowling, MA, LMFT

Integrity Counseling Services welcomes licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Cindy Dowling, MA, LMFT to the ICS team. Cindy’s background includes 15 years of experience in the field of psychology. She has worked in private practice, taught undergraduate psychology, and helped many individuals, couples and families as a family-based therapist.

With a masters degree from La Salle University focusing on marriage and family therapy, Cindy helps individuals, couples and families learn how to break unhealthy patterns and communicate effectively. Her work focuses on seeing the struggles in one’s life through the context of their relationships.

She believes individuals are shaped through their life experiences, and those life lessons influence much of how one presents in other relationships.

Cindy is passionate about working with her clients. She works with couples and families, providing a safe and neutral space to express emotions, promoting compassion for each person, and helping each individual feel heard.

Cindy is a practicing Catholic and feels that faith is an important component to the therapeutic process. She is married and the mother of five daughters.

If you’re interested in scheduling a consultation with Cindy, please call Integrity Counseling Services at 610-601-9781 or email our office to set up an appointment.

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