By Gian Milles, M.S. — I sometimes have people come into my office saying they “don’t like excuses.” “This is great! Me neither,” I usually retort. However, it can be a problem when people conflate “excuses” with “explanations.” I see this when people respond to my questions of “why?” (e.g., Why did you use alcohol for years despite the harm that it caused you and your family?) by stating that they “don’t like excuses.”
I respond by telling them that the difference between excuses and explanations may be subtle, but in reality, they are completely different. Put simply, excuses are used to avoid taking personal responsibility for a wrong action. They may include truthful information, but they always misuse it. The subtext is usually “it wasn’t my fault.” For example, someone might say, “I used alcohol because my wife was not intimate with me as often as I wanted.” It may be true that your wife was not intimate with you as much as you’d like, but it is not her fault that you used alcohol. We can be influenced by circumstances and other people, but we cannot be controlled by them. Of course, there are certain exceptions, such as if a person is threatened or coerced into a certain action, in which case they bear little to no culpability for their action.
On the contrary, explanations are thoroughly rooted in facts, context or circumstances. They admit guilt while still telling the full picture of what happened. An example here is: “When I am away on business, I often wind up drinking.” This presents the fact of using in the context of a situation where the person likely feels lonely while refraining from blaming someone or something for their actions.
Excuses keep us stuck. They put the blame on someone or something we cannot control. They do not offer freedom and hope for a way forward with a better outcome. Conversely, explanations help us grow in self-understanding and self-awareness. They help us develop insight as to how we got to a certain place in our lives where we did something that caused ourselves and our loved ones significant harm. Excuses make things less clear, while explanations make them clearer.
This insight is a necessary ingredient for change. When we do not understand how something happened, we cannot take the required steps to make sure those circumstances do not happen again. Excuses rob us of the ability to change for the better, while explanations are tools that allow us to forge a new way marked by integrity, wholeness and love. They allow us to repair the harm we have caused and prevent it from happening again. They are our ticket to a better future.
We have a God of second chances. No matter what we have done, the opportunity for change and reconciliation is available to us. We only need the courage to take it.
