empathy – Integrity Counseling Services

Proverbs 11:2 “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.”

Cindy Dowling, LMFT — Recently, I was listening to a sermon by Rick Warren, and it can be found at purposedriven.com/day20. I highly recommend it! The theme of the sermon is “Restoring Relationships.” Warren shares that the KEY to restoring relationships is humility, and that pride is what destroys them. James 4:6: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

What does it mean to be humble? When I think of humility, I think of Jesus washing the feet of His apostles. Our God served those who followed and believed in Him. Humility is the ability to value those above yourself. Humility is also about surrender, trusting and loving God’s will above our own. The ability to understand that even when things are happening in our lives that we don’t like or understand, God is with us guiding us through the storm. Humility is essential to have true Faith.

When applying humility to relationships, humility is the ability to reflect, to be able to see and admit when you are doing something that is hurting your spouse or loved one, and then it is humility that aids in the ability to ask for forgiveness and apologize. It is also being able to calmly and lovingly listen to a spouse, family member or friend when they share how you hurt them with an open heart and mind. Let’s be honest. Sometimes we intentionally or unintentionally hurt people in our lives. The ability to hear the other person without pride or anger getting in the way and convey true remorse to that person takes humility.

Showing humility in a relationship involves not “keeping score.” I did this, so you owe me. Or, you got to go out with friends, so now I get to go out with my friends. This would be a who “owes” whom mentality which hurts relationships. It would also be serving your partner, friend or family member without holding resentment, doing something for their genuine good not wanting or expecting anything in return. Your love in a relationship would also not be conditional, not expecting something in return for your love. Humility is being honest, being able to admit you don’t know something, or that you need help. It would include valuing and respecting another’s input, perspective or opinion, even if you don’t share their view.

Pride is known as the deadliest of the seven deadly sins. Pride lead to the rebellion against God as we saw in the fall of Lucifer. Proverbs16:18: “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before the fall.” Pride ruins relationships.

In a relationship, pride can show up as a need to be “right” or a need to “win” an argument. (FYI no one wins in this scenario.) It shows up when you are “keeping score,” demanding to be served (“What do you mean you didn’t have time to make dinner?”), refusing to admit fault, treating people less than (putting people down, insulting a person’s family, their faith, their skills, their work ethic, their worth).

Envy and pride are related but pride is the root, thinking one is above others. Envy is having bad will towards something good in someone else’s life, secretly wishing that good for yourself. When one is prideful, the person resents seeing others succeed. That person’s success diminishes the superiority the prideful person feels they deserve.

Both envy and pride are capital sins, and they generate other sins and vices. Think of it like this . . . Pride is the seed. Envy is the sour fruit that grows and wrath. Anger, lust, greed and gluttony all come from the prideful seed within. Saint Augustine said, “Pride is the mother or source of all sin.” It distorts our relationship with God and people in our lives.

We are taught the Two Greatest Commandments are to: (1.) Love the Lord our God with all your heart, mind and soul; and (2.) To love your neighbor as yourself. When the seed of pride is in our soul, is humility possible? It takes humility to trust and love God above everything, and to love others the way you love yourself. God gave us free well. We have a God-given CHOICE on how we treat others. We can choose to be humble or to be prideful. No one is perfect. We are all a work in progress. You can make the choice today to work on being humble and removing prideful thoughts and temptations. I believe in you.

PRAYER
Father, Today we ask for Your help to walk humbly with our brothers and sisters. It is all too easy for us to fall prey to our flesh and to walk in arrogance, but pride causes division and we desire peace. Lord, help us to humble ourselves in order that we do not let the lies of the enemy overtake us, rather, help us to count ourselves as equals with one another. It is then that we will stop attempting to be better than others, and we can love their hearts for the unique person You made them to be. Help us to value one another in this humble spirit so that we may live to the fullest. In Jesus name, Amen

By Gian Milles, MS, LPC — Every so often, throughout the course of counseling, a person will come out with the question or phrase, “Why is God not answering my prayers?” In these moments, I am called to bring myself back to moments in my life when I felt like there was no way out, and a prayer of desperation was my only recourse. From my experience as a therapist, I have learned that many of us have had moments like this.

Whittington and Scher (2010) found that some forms of prayer are associated with improvements in well-being, while others have either a neutral or negative impact on well-being. What does this mean? Shouldn’t all prayer be helpful? How can reaching out to God be unhelpful? I believe that prayers such as the above, which implicitly question God’s presence, goodness and love, illuminate the reason some prayers are not helpful to mental health.

But first, let me preface this with the fact that God loves everyone exactly as they are, and He is particularly present with the broken-hearted and the suffering (Psalm 34:18). There is nothing God desires more than for humans to flourish on this earth and to spend eternity with Him. That being said, God gives everyone our free will, which obviously, we misuse. We are invited to respond to God’s grace, or we will limit our participation in its benefits.

When we ask questions such as “Why is God not answering my prayers?,” we do something that prevents us from flourishing. We blame-shift. We state that God is the One who is capable and responsible for changing our lives, and we are not. It is His fault that we are suffering in this way, and we cannot be held accountable for our actions.

This blame-shifting reinforces the belief that we are incapable of change. And when we do not feel capable of change, it is nearly impossible for us to take the steps necessary to actually grow. Said differently, we generally think this way when we feel powerless and hopeless to change our situation.

Research confirms this, as one of the main prayer types that people find unhelpful or harmful is supplication, or asking God for things (Whittington & Scher, 2010). I would argue that this is a misuse of supplication, as asking God for things can aid us in humility and reliance on God, which is the heart of the spiritual life. However, asking God to do things we can and must do ourselves is a recipe for misery.

The first step, however, is feeling seen and known in these places where we feel powerless and hopeless. You can call this empathy. When we feel seen and known, we feel liberated. It is a paradoxical element of human nature that the validation of our suffering by another person decreases our suffering. This is chemically true, as feelings of connectedness to others release chemicals in our brain that act as analgesics, or painkillers. We need to first feel that others are with us in our suffering. We are understood, we are known, and we are loved. This gives us the power to enact change in our lives.

This is the “special sauce” of counseling. Many people either do not have someone to talk to about their innermost feelings or they have tried, but for some reason they persistently feel misunderstood. This can be due to either a lack of genuine love and empathy from others or because the structure of a certain part of a person is such that they are unable to receive this love and empathy (more on this in a future article).

Sometimes, it is true that empathy will not be enough to promote change. This is where encouragement and challenge have their place. Sometimes people do need to be called out on their nonsense and given an extra push to help them engage with the change process. There is a time and place for different approaches.

If you or someone you know feels stuck in a particular area of suffering, know that you do not have to suffer alone and that healing is possible.