Integrity Counseling Services

Pennsylvania's Premier Center for Catholic Counseling and Spiritual Direction

Category: Family

Hope for Teens with Specific Strategies

By Gian Milles, M.S., L.P.C.  — We hear a lot today about the mental health crisis in teenagers. While it is true that teen mental health in America has been declining since the early 2010s, there is also reason for hope. According to research from the CDC, about 3 in 5 children ages 6 to 17 exhibit indicators of flourishing, including showing interest in learning new things, staying calm and in control when faced with a challenge, and working to finish tasks they start. Sometimes, with sensationalistic news and no shortage of geopolitical instability, we can be tempted to focus only on the negative. Depending on whether you are an optimist or a pessimist, you may see the 3/5 figure as comforting (over half of our children are healthy!) or worrisome (nearly half of our children are unhealthy!). Either way, I want to share some good news with you.

If you are one of those people who are happy to hear that 3/5 of children are healthy, I rejoice with you. This is certainly a wonderful thing that so many children are doing so well despite the adversity they are facing in our tumultuous times. On the other hand, if you are concerned about those that are not or if you know a young person who is struggling, there is reason for hope.

Psychologists have defined hope as willpower + waypower. What does this mean? It means that having hope consists of having the mental energy or motivation to achieve clear goals and specific pathways, or mental plans, for being able to make these goals happen. With proper coaching, the 40% of children and teens who are experiencing significant anxiety and/or depression can grow in the virtue of hope, and hopeful people are protected against strong, persistent emotions such as anxiety and depression. Helping teens to stay motivated by offering them incentives (e.g. taking them to a sporting event or a trip to Rita’s Water Ice) can be helpful. If it appears that they are motivated, but are having trouble with follow-through, It can also be helpful to help them problem-solve with specific ways they can achieve their goals. This may involve guiding them through building more effective study habits, improving their diet, or helping them to join a sports team or get a gym membership.

In the context of these strategies, the most powerful force for good in a child’s life is unconditional love. Kobe Bryant advocated for this in one of Bryant’s  last interviews. When you tell a child that you love them no matter how they behave, and, what’s more, that God loves them no matter how they behave, this gives teens the freedom to take risks, knowing that failure does not threaten their inherent dignity and lovability.

This combination of unconditional love along with specific goals, motivation, and pathways to success are the resources that allow teens to effectively experience the freedom from anxiety and depression that God and we desire for them.

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No Electronic Substitutes for Prayer

By Michael Kastelnik, Psy.D. — If you have been out in public in the last few years and patronized a business, you may have noticed some advertising that recommends you to “Download the App” that is pertinent to that business. This advertisement usually offers some reward, such as free gasoline or a free sandwich, for your downloading the free app. I’m reminded of the expression “There’s no such thing as a free lunch,” but we can discuss the true cost another time. Whether you participate in it or not, I think we can agree these companies are successful in using this technique of reinforcing our purchases, and sometimes even giving them the not-so-subtle name of a “Rewards Program.”

Given the power of incentives to shape our behavior, is it possible that the appeal of making our lives easier applies to less worldly activities than eating, such as thinking or praying? There are plenty of websites, applications and content related to intellectual endeavors and even to our faith. In fact, you are probably reading this article on a website. I personally enjoy finding the occasional video, podcast or prayer on the Internet. Some of these activities are “infotainment” that can help pass the time as well as provide me with some level of information that can inform my worldview and my faith. I can even stay connected with my brothers in Christ around the world via email or other apps.

A problem arises if we consider simply engaging with religious electronic content as fulfilling our Christian duty, or worse — vaguely being a “good person.” We can consume such content both passively and actively. The passive reception of content, such as displaying sacred art on the walls of your home or hearing an audio recording of Gregorian chant while you do chores, surely has its benefits. And, attentively reading threads in a group chat or listening to a recording of someone praying can be quite engaging and even an invitation to pray on your own. The Holy Spirit can speak to us through other people including the words of a book or the recorded voice of someone expounding on theology. Those words can even be the content of prayer, but the words themselves are not a substitute for the activity required of us to speak to Him in prayer. Hearing a recording of the rosary playing in the background is probably better than hearing a lot of what is on the radio today. But passive listening, while helpful for reinforcing learning of a foreign language, probably doesn’t count as prayer time, especially if that is the only time you are giving to God. Just as the Greek meaning of the word liturgy suggests, it is the work of the people, and work typically requires producing rather than merely consuming.

Given the challenge of incorporating technology in our lives while preserving our humanity, what can we do? Even if using this technology is more necessary to work, study, shop and communicate, there are some aspects of our lives that we can and must retain in simplicity.

For example, we can pray. We can spend time speaking to God and attempting to quiet your mind in order for your soul to hear what He has to say. Practice meditating on Truth using a good translation of the Bible and a commentary from the Church Fathers. Pencil this time in your calendar or planner, if necessary. If you don’t have a minute or two to spare for prayer, you might want to consider freeing up your schedule a bit. Also, you can make rules for limiting your electronics use to certain times and/or places. With the rest of your time, try to incorporate activities with flesh-and-blood people around you and more stable objects around you such as plants or books.

Even if our devices help us exchange information with each other and allow you to spread good ideas including the Good News, it is up to us to use our whole being, not just our digital profile or consumption habits, to follow the commandments to love God and love your neighbor as yourself. There isn’t an app for that, and that’s okay.

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Death by Distraction

By Deborah Rojas, MA, Integrity Counseling Services — Could you handle a few technology-free days? No phone, no laptop, no music — power down the technological devices, and not because the word “vice” is in “device.” Stillness and true quiet are necessary for contemplation, the time and space for getting to know God and ourselves in relationship to Him. Contemplation is impossible when we are distracting ourselves to death.

I recently went on my first silent retreat at a convent. The hospitality of the sisters set the stage for a few days of prayer and rest, and the natural order and rhythm of the contemplative life provided a technology-free, sacred space to pray. Other than Mass and the Daily Office, I was left to myself with nothing that I had to do.

On an ordinary day, the tasks of the moment rule. It was in this space of having no tasks and freedom from technological distraction that I was able to be with God and get to know myself better. Different parts were able to emerge because I slowed down. Some of the parts that came forward are parts that I don’t like or would rather avoid but need love and the healing mercy of God.

In therapy, we often have to learn how to see ourselves before we can begin to do interior work. When parts of ourselves make us uncomfortable, the natural instinct is avoidance. This is easy with distractions like social media or video games. However, some distractions are internal: daydreaming, fantasies, worrisome obsessions, or over-spiritualization, for example, and more challenging to navigate.

When Jesus encountered suffering, he walked, not away, but towards it! He had compassion. He saw, and he had compassion. Then the healing began. I am grateful to work with the Great Physician and walk towards others who are suffering. It is much harder to embrace my own wounded parts. This might be one of the reasons why I love counseling so much!

I would rather distract, avoid and turn away from painful realities in my heart. This is not the pathway to life and love. Rather, it is death by distraction. Friends, make the meaningful effort to look up, look within and share the loving, compassionate gaze of Christ with each other. If it is too difficult to do on your own, seek the help of a qualified counselor to see you and walk with you.  May Jesus grant you healing in your relationships and a flourishing life this Easter season.

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Difficult Conversations

By Cynthia G. Dowling, MA, LMFT, Integrity Counseling Services — Many clients come to me experiencing anxiety after exploring relationships in their lives, whether they are personal, work or community-based. Together we often find that they are feeling stuck in certain aspects of their lives because of a fear of having difficult conversations. Very few people enjoy hurting someone they love and care about. This fear or apprehension — holding one back from having a difficult conversation — can lead to feelings of anxiety, resentment and frustration. Identifying strategies for having these important conversations can lessen anxiety and increase the likelihood of people overcoming their fear.

Here are strategies I’ve outlined below:

Be mindful of your approach. Choosing your words thoughtfully, and making sure you speak in a kind tone, can start your conversation in the right direction. If one starts a conversation in an angry, frustrated or blaming tone, the other person will immediately feel defensive.

Stay on topic. Think about what you are hoping to accomplish in your conversation. Then, decide what your talking points will be and stay focused on them. During this process keep in mind what you feel you need to say to feel heard. Make sure to only bring up one or two topics in the conversation. More than that could cause the person you are confronting to feel overwhelmed and attacked.

Refrain from insults or putting the other person down. Whatever the issue is, it is causing you to feel a certain way. Make sure to speak using “I” statements, owning your feelings. “I” statements are a helpful way to take responsibility for how you feel or what you believe, and they help the listener to not feel blamed.

Think about possible outcomes. What would be the best-case scenario for the outcome of the conversation? What could be the worst? Know that the outcome will most likely be in the middle of the two scenarios.

In person vs. a letter/email.  Sometimes people feel they can be more to the point and less emotional by writing a letter or email vs. an in-person conversation. A letter/email can also be helpful if the person you need to speak to has a history of being reactive or defensive. The downside of this option is the possibility that you won’t receive a response.

Be open to compromise and hearing the other person’s perspective. Having difficult conversations opens us up to receiving feedback that could be positive or negative. Having knowledge of this going into the conversation is important. It is important to be open to finding a compromise moving forward. Having the ability to see our own imperfections or faults is hard; however, it is part of the process of growing and healing.

Having difficult conversations can be scary. The reality is the conversation will never go exactly as planned and that is OK. If you are holding back from addressing an issue and it is resulting in anxiety or frustration, it is important to vocalize what has been bothering you. The more you have these difficult conversations, the easier they become. Speaking the truth to someone in a kind and respectful way can result in feeling as if a weight has been lifted off you. The results of speaking your truth can be life changing.

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Stress: Don’t Go It Alone

By Gian Milles, M.S., Integrity Counseling Services — “Trauma” has become a buzzword today. If you are anything like me, when you hear this word, your eyes start to roll, and you stop listening. But I work as a mental health therapist, and I have found that there is much confusion about this word among people today. Please, give me the opportunity to explain why the reality of this concept can transform your life.

Many people I talk to do not want to associate the stressful events that have happened to them with what a marine has experienced in active combat. After all, having one’s parents’ divorce, having a father who struggled with a quick temper, or a mother who was highly critical is not on par with seeing your fellow soldier terribly wounded in combat, right?

Well, interestingly the same biological mechanisms that are activated when witnessing a violent death can be activated by consistent, moderate to high levels of stress in the household or even single events that are experienced as highly stressful. And life can be stressful for all of us!

Further, the truth is that trauma has more to do with the way a person experiences an event than it does with the event itself. For example, I have seen two people experience the same exact event, such as a car accident, with one exhibiting symptoms of trauma, (i.e., high levels of anxiety, flashback memories, angry outbursts, and even autoimmune disorders or chronic fatigue), and the other walk away fine.

An important factor in the development of trauma responses, which some professionals say play a role in the cause of many mental health disorders, is whether the person has been able to share their innermost thoughts and feelings about what happened with another person. The trauma is compounded when it is experienced alone. The reverse is also true. A sense of connectedness with God and others can make people incredibly resilient against the stresses of life.

Many people feel that they need to carry their burdens by themselves or are skeptical of counseling or therapy. My message to you is one of hope. Having the courage to share your problems with someone, whether that person is a friend, a relative, or a mental health professional, can make it so much more bearable. Please, if you are struggling, do not be afraid to reach out for help. God does not want you to suffer alone, and neither do I.

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When You Don’t Look Forward to Mother’s Day

By Deborah Rojas, MS, Integrity Counseling Services — My kids loved to make Mother’s Day special by bringing hot coffee and something hopefully edible to me while I was still waking up. The moments of my pretending to be surprised, the impossibility of actually eating in bed, and the joy of the moment are priceless memories. I still have some of the handmade, illustrated cards. Mother’s Day with small children was a precious season of life for which I am eternally grateful.

If you find yourself with mixed emotions after celebrating Mother’s Day, perhaps you will find this to be helpful. Here are a few ways that Mother’s Day may carry heavy emotional weight: a difficult relationship with your mother, the pain of infertility, or the loss of a child or your mother.  Even so, there are ways to embrace suffering, surrender it to the Lord, and lean into the loving comfort of Mary, our spiritual mother, and those who love us.

Saint Teresa of Calcutta reminds us of the immense value of love in the ordinary things of life. While the presence of sacrificial love is easily taken for granted, the absence is unmistakable. When a child’s need for comfort is mocked, ignored, or suppressed, dysfunctional relational patterns develop. Trust becomes a foreign practice. If your relationship with your mother was a tangled mess, then you know the heartache and insecurity from that insecure attachment.

These wounds can experience healing, as we seek to forgive our mothers for actions that were both intentional and accidental. Forgiveness is perhaps the most rewarding and difficult work that we can do to experience freedom from the burden and pain inflicted by others. Have you experienced the grace of God and His forgiveness? Ask the Holy Spirit to help you desire to forgive and surrender the process to Him!

I first became aware of the pain some women experience on Mother’s Day in church as a child.  At the end of the service, my father, a Protestant pastor, asked all mothers to stand to receive a carnation. Then he asked all daughters to stand. In doing so, many women suffering from infertility and miscarriage received love and recognition on an otherwise painful day.

If you or someone you know is suffering the loss of a child or infertility, please talk about your suffering. Reach out to those you love to let them know this is a hard day for you and how to meaningfully support you. Consider how you can celebrate the lives of your little saints and encourage those who long to be mothers. This is an opportunity for compassionate presence and generous, bold love.

Mary knows the pain of losing her Son. A few years ago, one of my dearest friends called with the news that her oldest son had died in a tragic accident. I will never forget the agony of her cry. Love is no stranger to suffering, and Mary generously gave that gift in her presence at the foot of the cross. Holidays can particularly remind us of the absence of those with whom we wish to celebrate. Estrangement of adult children is another often unmentioned tragedy experienced by families across the globe. Love continues, even when those we love are no longer present in our lives, but this is a painful tension.

If this is not your story, and you look forward to Mother’s Day with joyful anticipation, you are truly blessed. Please pray for those who smile in the midst of heartbreak. Motherhood is a tremendous blessing for the giver and the recipient. How can we practice gratitude for these gifts? After my kids brought me breakfast in bed, I usually went to the kitchen to clean up before church.

As St. Teresa of Calcutta reminds us, love is experienced in the ordinary everyday nature of life: “Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.” May your all of your Mother’s Days be blessed and tireless!

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