Integrity Counseling Services

Pennsylvania's Premier Center for Catholic Counseling and Spiritual Direction

Category: Grief

Woman grieving during the holidays

Grieving During the Holidays

By Neal Niznan, MSW, LCSW — The grief process is challenging any time of the year. Grieving the loss of a loved one around the holidays provides its own challenges that can magnify the intensity of grief you feel. As we move towards the end of the year, two short months and four major holidays, Halloween to New Year’s can be extremely hard to navigate. Planning in advance what you want to do during the holidays is one way to maintain a sense of management of the grief process.

The holidays embody an inherent sense of joy, happiness and peace. You, however, may not experience any of those feelings, and feel completely out of step with everyone else. It is hard to put on your happy face and make the holiday joyous when you do not feel that way at all. You may think it will just be easier not to do the holidays this year as a way of coping.

I would suggest avoid isolating yourself during the holidays. There may be a way to manage the emotional demands of the holidays and not throw yourself into a tailspin trying to navigate the demands on one’s time and wellbeing. Consider what you need for yourself and what parts of the holidays are important for you to participate in. This may be a year where you do not include all the family traditions. Review what you normally do to celebrate and select the most essential elements. Think about what the most meaningful parts of your traditions and see if you can incorporate them into your revised holiday plans. You may not have the energy to decorate the whole house or prepare all the family’s favorite dishes like you always did. Do what you have the energy for.

The grief process should be embraced not avoided. It is impossible to get together with others and not mention the deceased, or their absence. Try not to make it the elephant in the room. Include your loved one in the celebration by setting a place for them at the table, playing their favorite music, cooking their favorite dish, or including them in a prayer before the meal to honor them. Be proactive about how you would like to celebrate and include the deceased in the festivities.

It is important to have a plan for stepping away from, or even not attending, a holiday gathering. Despite your best efforts and intentions, give yourself the option, at the last minute, not to participate in family gatherings or parties if you are just not up for it. Give yourself space to participate in the way you can. Let others know that you may leave early or not join in certain activities. Others will understand this is a challenging time and you need space to be by yourself.

It may seem easier to avoid the holidays this year and hide until they are over. With a bit of reflection and planning, you can create for yourself a safe space to grieve, honor your loved one, and celebrate the holidays with family and friends. Everyone is grieving and missing the deceased loved one. We provide support to one another through our presence, our words and our touch. A message of love and support is expressed through an embrace with someone who understands our loss. Allow yourself to be the recipient of support from others and provide comfort in their grieving.

If The Empty Nest Makes You Depressed

By Teri Love, M.S. — When my son was one-year old, he loved to stand by the open dishwasher and “help” unload the clean dishes. One day, he dropped a glass, and it shattered at his bare feet. I was right beside him and swooped him up before he got cut. Later that day, I told my friend about the incident, and she said, “Our kids don’t realize how many times a day we save their lives.” I laughed because it was a little dramatic but also a little true.

Fast forward 17 years, and my husband and I dropped off that same son for his freshman year of college. How quickly the child we raised and protected since birth grew up and set out to begin his next phase of life. It was beautiful and exciting but also heartbreaking.

It is late August as I write this, and I see evidence of that same heartbreak in posts all over social media. There are college goodbye photos, tear-jerker parenting poems, and terms like “momancholy” in memes about the deep sadness we feel when adult kids move out.

What do we do with that deep sadness? It can be confusing because it often sits side-by-side with joy, relief and pride. It can also be complex if our kids don’t seem to be headed in the direction we hoped and prayed for. Because I’ve reckoned with oodles of these feelings myself, waded through them with friends and family, and addressed them in the therapy office, I would like to offer encouragement along with three ways to manage emotions during this phase of life:

  1. Care for yourself. Recognize this is a colossal change, and practice self-compassion. Self-compassion might include a short break from work or other responsibilities while you grieve the empty room, empty chair at the dining table, or quieter house. It’s okay to cry and not apologize for it or criticize yourself. (“I’m being silly;” “I should be happy;” “Everyone else seems to be getting on with life.”) If there is something nice you would do for a friend going through a rough time — do that nice thing for you!
  2. Talk! First, talk to God. God knows you and loves you and understands the details of your pain. Second, talk to people who’ve “launched” adult children before or are going through it along with you. This is the perfect time to invite another parent you know out to coffee or for a walk. It is surprisingly healing to be reminded you’re not in this alone. Third, if things seem too weighty to manage on your own, talk to a therapist. A good therapist can accompany, validate and help you navigate your way through this giant shift in your life and into the next phase. And speaking of the next phase . . .
  3. Assess your life and dream a little about the next phase. Some parents might start this process well ahead of their adult child’s move-out day; others need a few months or longer to observe how things go and adjust to their “new normal.” When you’re ready, be intentional. Brainstorm things you’d like to do that match your personality, budget and energy. I’ve seen everything from turning a son’s room into an elaborate walk-in closet to taking sailing lessons, selling the house, and preparing for a trip around the world. The point is, life is not over and there are endless ways to invest in yourself, others, and your newly-adult child.

Six years have passed since our oldest son’s freshman drop-off at college. It doesn’t take much effort for me to recall the exact feelings I had as we drove away from him. It was (and still can be) a hollow ache and I don’t like it at all. If you are dealing with that hollow ache, I pray you will feel the consolations of God’s goodness and His promise to bring good things out of difficulties; the awareness that you are not alone; and the strength to talk about your experience with a trusted friend or therapist.

From Grief and Sadness to Resurrection and New Life: God’s Easter Promise

By Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D., LPC, SATP, CSAT, Integrity Counseling Services — When I think of death and grief leading to resurrection and new life, I am reminded of the movie, The Passion of The Christ. I am deeply moved at how the Blessed Mother is portrayed in that film. I can’t imagine how unbearable it was for Mary to witness her Son being scourged, forced to carry a heavy cross, crucified, and die a slow, agonizing death. The most moving scene for me was when the Blessed Mother is shown wiping her son’s blood from the ground. One can easily see the weight of her grief. However, I am sure that deep down, she knew that her Son would have to die. This was part of God’s plan. As sad as she was, Mary knew she had to give her Son back to God. This took incredible faith. Fortunately, it was not God’s plan for Mary to grieve forever. He knew that Christ would rise on the third day, and that Mary’s pain would turn to joy.  This is God’s plan for all of us.

To grieve means to feel deep sadness over the loss of someone or some thing one had deeply loved or valued, and to let go.

Grief over the loss of a loved one is an experience that everyone must go through in life. People we love will die and we will die. For some, grief comes quickly and unexpectedly, such as for the parent whose son is killed in an auto accident. For others it is slow and expected, such as for the individual whose parent suffers from Alzheimer’s disease. Each type of grief comes with its own challenges.

Grief also comes in other forms. One can grieve over the loss of freedom and mobility, such as one who has been physically paralyzed or blinded as a result of injury or disease. People can grieve over things they never had, such as one who grew up in an abusive home and grieves over never having had a safe, loving home.  The person who is forced out of a job may have to grieve over the loss of a career. These losses also require feeling sad and letting go.

DEALING WITH GRIEF

At Integrity Counseling Services in PA, our team of psychotherapists often help individuals and families dealing with grief. In the process of grieving, one usually cycles through many emotions: sadness, anger, disbelief, confusion, frustration, fear, etc. There are also many questions that arise out of grief: Why did God allow this to happen? Could I have prevented this? How am I going to live with this loss?  These feelings and questions are normal.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone does it in his/her own way.  Some people weep, others want to talk about it, and others may want to be left alone. Ultimately, grieving means letting go. Like the Blessed Mother, it means giving our loved ones over to God’s care. This takes time, patience, and faith. It requires trusting that God is taking care of us and our loved ones.  It means believing that God has a divine plan for all of us, even when we don’t understand it.

Initially, as we work through the grieving process, all we can see is pain and loss. However, as we work on letting go and giving our loved ones over to the Lord, we begin to see that life goes on, and there are still many good things in life to be grateful for. We can begin to enjoy life again and even laugh. It is here that we begin to experience God’s resurrection. Knowing that we can ultimately be reunited with our loved ones in Heaven helps with this process. The questions that arose from the grief may still be there; however, obtaining the answers becomes less urgent. We come to the point where we can wait until we meet God face-to-face to have all the answers. Here is where grieving can actually deepen our faith and trust in God.

Grieving other losses, such as physical mobility, freedom, or a career also require dealing with many emotions and questions. However, as we let go of the things we valued, we can begin to see that God still loves us and life goes on. By accepting our limitations, we can come to realize that we can still live happy productive lives.  To get to this point also requires one to realize that God’s ultimate goal for us is to be with him in Heaven where there is no suffering or loss. In the grand scheme of things, living 80+ years on this planet is but a split second compared to eternity with God in Heaven. All that really matters is being with God.

When the Blessed Mother and St. Joseph presented Baby Jesus in the Temple, she was warned that a sword would pierce her heart. She took this seriously and pondered it. I believe this was to prepare her for the great suffering and grief she would experience over the passion and death of her Son. However, I also believe she knew that she would have to give her Son over to God in order for His Will to be fulfilled. This took great faith and courage in the midst of great suffering. However, Mary letting go of her Son, allowed us to experience our redemption, purchased with Jesus’ death, and the new life that came with His resurrection. Thus, good can come from even the greatest loss.

This Lent, we need to look at the great losses, sufferings and grief we experience, and daily give them over to the Lord. By letting go of them, we can experience God’s great care for us and our loved ones. We may first need to go through a time of great sadness; however, this doesn’t last forever. As we come out of our darkness, we will begin to experience the joy of resurrection and new life. This is God’s Easter promise to us!

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