Pennsylvania's Premier Center for Catholic Counseling and Spiritual Direction

Category: Grieving

You Need Stress

By Michael Kastelnik, PsyD — Stress is a common experience for all of us. It is the result of stressors, which are the events that lead to our stress response, which, at its worst, can lead to panic, illness, and impaired judgement. However, there are other ways of viewing stress. In fact, the word “eustress” denotates a positive form of stress, in contrast to the undesirable “distress.” In everyday language, eustress is rarely mentioned while distress is typically reserved for psychotherapy circles to describe when someone’s mental health is hurt badly enough for him or her to seek treatment. Plain stress covers most other situations and is typically viewed as undesirable. The phrase “stress relief” implies that stress is bad and akin to something like physical pain. But pain, even psychological pain, has its advantages. We benefit from learning to not touch a flame after we get burned. We should feel sad when our relatives pass away in order to face the reality that someone special has been taken from us. The experience of feeling sick when we have an infection is typically from our own immune systems taking steps to fight the infection. With the latter example, stress relief would be the equivalent of immune-suppressing treatment. So maybe eliminating stress entirely is not the best approach.

The most interesting stories involve some conflict that needs to be resolved. Many of the best musical compositions are the same way, typically even including some dissonance that in itself can be displeasing to our ears. The tension in these works of art creates an anticipation of restoration of peace that is satisfied if we endure to the end of the story or the musical work. We could argue that some tension is even somewhat necessary for great works of art, but it needs to be moderate and balanced in relation to the rest of the work as a whole.

The Yerkes-Dodson curve is a visual demonstration of this relationship between arousal and productivity, at least in a workplace context. Initially, productivity increases as arousal, or stress, increases, but after a certain point the relationship inverts and productivity decreases as stress increases. This indicates that in order to maximize productivity we need an optimal and moderate amount of stress. This relationship seems to hold true in other situations than the employment, such as with sports, driving, education or even prayer.

Some of the happiest and most eventful moments in life, such as graduations, marriages and the birth of children, are accompanied by significant stress. You typically don’t have to make great efforts to pay attention during these moments. But how do you deal with everyday situations that don’t naturally evoke arousal? You could decide to apply more care, concern and interest towards a topic. If you are wondering how to increase the likelihood of caring about something more than you are currently inclined, you can simply remind yourself that people — that includes you — respond to incentives. One universally understood manifestation of incentives is called the pleasure principle — the idea that people seek pleasure and avoid pain. You can take advantage of this natural incentive structure. For example, if you tend to procrastinate on your taxes, you schedule a weekday well in advance of the deadline to file them. If you accomplish the task, you could reward yourself with a pleasurable pastime such as playing a game (the carrot), and if you don’t accomplish the task, you could have a painful consequence of scheduling a precious Saturday to do your taxes plus some other chore (the stick). Of course, this is in addition to subtler rewards such as the satisfaction of doing a duty and punishments such as living with the anxiety of being that much more likely to experience a tax audit.

The bottom line is that stress is a necessary force in life, a resource. Like managers with the employees in a company, you can respect this resource and use it to help enable yourself to better accomplish everything else you want and need to do in life, assuming it is in accord with the will of Almighty God.

Finding Freedom in Suffering

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” (2 Cor 3:17)

By Jennifer Lindner, MA, Certified Spiritual Director — Suffering is inevitable, but sometimes it can be made worse by another pervasive feeling: stuckness. The source of our suffering can cause us to feel heavy or worried or scared. But feeling stuck can lead us to feel even more anxiety or sadness. We might even feel emotionally or spiritually paralyzed. Suffering, it seems, steals our freedom; we cannot extricate ourselves from our circumstances, nor do we feel like we can choose how to think or move forward. What if, however, we could look at our suffering in a different way? What if we could encounter God in the stuckness? We know that wherever God is, so also is there freedom, and He wants us to find it.

What does it feel like when we’re stuck in our suffering? Maybe we ask, “How can this be happening?” Or we demand, “Why, Lord?” The Psalms reflect the hopelessness we feel. “I am utterly spent and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart” (Ps 38:8). Fatigue and grief rob us of our ability to think and move freely. “My heart throbs, my strength fails me; and the light of my eyes — it also has gone from me” (Ps 38:10).

Turning to the Lord, though, even just enough to obtain a little space from our pain, we remember He is with us. “When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul” (Ps 94:19). In crying out to God, we trust He will help us. Like the Canaanite woman, we cry, “Lord, help me” (Matt 15:25), and we wait in hope for His answer, “[G]reat is your faith! Let it be done for you as you desire” (15:28).

God’s closeness strengthens us, and our trust in Him loosens our spiritual paralysis. We might not feel entirely free, but we no longer feel alone. The Lord unlocks the doors to our hearts. “I sought the LORD, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Ps 34:4). He descends into our spiritual prisons and liberates us. “The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them” (Ps 34:7).

Ultimately, God seeks to encounter us in the midst of our suffering so He can set us free. Sometimes we cry out to Jesus like the blind men: “Have mercy on us, Son of David” (Matt 9:27). Other times, Jesus finds us, as when he confronts the long-suffering man at the Sheep Gate: “Do you want to be healed?” (Jn 5:6). God repeatedly invites us to understand how we are most free not apart from suffering, but rather when we discover He is our refuge in the storm of our pain. It is there, during our times of need, that God calls us closest to Himself. As Paul tells us, “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor 12:10). “Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom,” because God is Truth, and wherever there is Truth, there too will we find freedom.

Where might you be feeling stuck or paralyzed today? What is pressing on your heart right now? Where, with God’s help, could you notice the freedom He is inviting you to experience? Where is He asking you to look for it? Prayer? Quiet? Beauty? Laughter? Rest? Follow Him. He will meet you there.

Grieving During the Holidays

By Neal Niznan, MSW, LCSW — The grief process is challenging any time of the year. Grieving the loss of a loved one around the holidays provides its own challenges that can magnify the intensity of grief you feel. As we move towards the end of the year, two short months and four major holidays, Halloween to New Year’s can be extremely hard to navigate. Planning in advance what you want to do during the holidays is one way to maintain a sense of management of the grief process.

The holidays embody an inherent sense of joy, happiness and peace. You, however, may not experience any of those feelings, and feel completely out of step with everyone else. It is hard to put on your happy face and make the holiday joyous when you do not feel that way at all. You may think it will just be easier not to do the holidays this year as a way of coping.

I would suggest avoid isolating yourself during the holidays. There may be a way to manage the emotional demands of the holidays and not throw yourself into a tailspin trying to navigate the demands on one’s time and wellbeing. Consider what you need for yourself and what parts of the holidays are important for you to participate in. This may be a year where you do not include all the family traditions. Review what you normally do to celebrate and select the most essential elements. Think about what the most meaningful parts of your traditions and see if you can incorporate them into your revised holiday plans. You may not have the energy to decorate the whole house or prepare all the family’s favorite dishes like you always did. Do what you have the energy for.

The grief process should be embraced not avoided. It is impossible to get together with others and not mention the deceased, or their absence. Try not to make it the elephant in the room. Include your loved one in the celebration by setting a place for them at the table, playing their favorite music, cooking their favorite dish, or including them in a prayer before the meal to honor them. Be proactive about how you would like to celebrate and include the deceased in the festivities.

It is important to have a plan for stepping away from, or even not attending, a holiday gathering. Despite your best efforts and intentions, give yourself the option, at the last minute, not to participate in family gatherings or parties if you are just not up for it. Give yourself space to participate in the way you can. Let others know that you may leave early or not join in certain activities. Others will understand this is a challenging time and you need space to be by yourself.

It may seem easier to avoid the holidays this year and hide until they are over. With a bit of reflection and planning, you can create for yourself a safe space to grieve, honor your loved one, and celebrate the holidays with family and friends. Everyone is grieving and missing the deceased loved one. We provide support to one another through our presence, our words and our touch. A message of love and support is expressed through an embrace with someone who understands our loss. Allow yourself to be the recipient of support from others and provide comfort in their grieving.

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