Category: Healing

Spiritual Direction at Integrity Counseling Services — White pebble stone on a sand

Which Do I Choose: Priest, Counselor, Therapist or Spiritual Director?

By Teri Love, MS — Friends and family members, even the ones who seem to “get” what a therapist does, often ask for clarification.

Can you prescribe medication? (No.) Can you work with all ages? (Yes.) Do you work with anxiety? (Yes.) Depression? (Yes.) Can you work with someone struggling with their faith or their sexuality or their grief? (Yes. Yes. Yes.) Okay, well . . . can I just talk to my priest? Or, what if I need spiritual direction?

These are good and valid questions, and it might be helpful for you or someone you know to learn the similarities and differences between pastoral counseling, therapy,and spiritual direction.

Pastoral Counseling
What it is: Guidance or help from a parish priest, deacon or other trusted professional within the Church. Pastoral counseling should be solution-oriented and limited in number (depending on the schedule of the priest). Perhaps ideally, pastoral counseling may be a bridge to more in-depth therapy or spiritual direction with a different type of professional.

My parish priest told me that parishioners sometimes seek help after things come up in Confession: anger, resentment, an inability to forgive someone, or addiction issues. He said when he detects an issue, he asks if the parishioner wants to deal with it. He may offer to sit down and talk but said, “I try not to do ongoing counseling because it doesn’t work out. The difference between a priest and a clinician is that pastoral counseling is free and I can’t do this five or six weeks in a row. I don’t have the liberty of time.”

The level of expertise a priest offers for spiritual direction or related goals depends on their experience, training and circumstances. Priests may obtain Masters’ level training or higher in therapy, or intentionally attend conferences on mental health to keep informed about parishioner concerns.

If you are unsure whether your priest is open to and available for pastoral counseling, call your parish office and ask!

Therapy
What it is: Therapy or professional counseling typically refers to treatment by a trained and licensed clinician. The clinician is qualified to help address concerns including trauma, grief, anxiety, adjustment, depression, relationship conflicts and addiction.

Often there is a cost — time and money — for this type of treatment. There is evidence from research that healing can happen in therapy.

Many therapists specialize and have additional expertise in treating certain mental health concerns. Be sure to ask about this when you look for a therapist. Also, the top indicator for positive outcome in therapy is your rapport with the therapist. It is important that your therapist has professional training — and it is important that you can develop trust and get along!

Know your goal for therapy. It can be as simple as “Decrease anxiety” or as complicated as “Work to forgive my parents.” When you are ready to call a therapist, ask any questions you have about qualifications, specializations, and cost.

Spiritual Direction
What it is: My priest defined spiritual direction as “help with your relationship with God.” Spiritual direction may share elements of both pastoral counseling and therapy but emphasis is on discerning God’s will and/or improving your prayer life.

For example, a person might see a spiritual director to learn daily prayer disciplines, virtue or more deeply grasp God’s role in their life.

Some priests offer formal and informal spiritual direction. There are also trained spiritual directors who schedule sessions and charge a fee. As with therapy, there is usually a clear goal and process for the sessions.

If you are unsure what type of help you are looking for, talk to your parish priest or call Integrity Counseling Services. Our qualified staff offers therapy services and spiritual direction from a faithful Catholic perspective.

Pastoral counselors, therapists and spiritual directors are all trained to help, and all three offer hope.

Marriage counseling at Integrity Counseling Services

What does the Bible say about Marriage?

By Cindy Dowling, M.A., L.M.F.T. — As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I am always exploring different modalities and therapeutic techniques to apply in sessions with couples. As a Catholic Marriage and Family Therapist, the foundation of how I look at a marriage is based on biblical Truth. When I see Catholic and/or Christian clients, I can apply that Truth to whatever therapeutic approach I am using. I decided on this topic for an article to dive deeper and learn more about biblical Truths regarding marriage. Join me in my exploration.

It is important to understand what the Bible says about marriage and how we should treat our spouse, and it helps me to think about how I can apply the knowledge therapeutically. The first reference to marriage in the Bible is in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.” When you look at where this passage appears in the Bible, it is directly before the serpent deceives Eve into eating the forbidden fruit. An outside party — “the serpent” — coerced Eve to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge. As a couple, if they had come together and had a conversation and made the decision together, who knows what the end of the story might be? When it comes to big decisions in a marriage, it is so important for a couple to unite and decide based on their Truth, what is best for them as “one flesh.” We also see from this passage that Eve put her personal desires over her faith and marriage. She knew that God had told Adam in Genesis 17 not to eat fruit from the tree, yet she trusted the serpent over God and Adam. This passage dovetails perfectly with something that I was taught: In a marriage, faith should come first, then the married couple, next would be the children, and finally family and friends.

Biblical reference to Faith being first can be found in Matthew 22:37-38: “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.” I always remember the saying “a couple that prays together stays together.” A study by Brad Wilcox, a University of Virginia sociologist, found that statistics show those who regularly attend religious services are 47% less likely to divorce. With the staggering rate of divorce in America, this is an important thing to consider.

There are many references in the Bible about how we should treat others. What does it say about how a husband should treat his wife? (Ephesians 5:25-26) “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word.” My interpretation of this is Christ laid down his life for His Church. Jesus said his Church was not a building but made of a body of people. So, then it is important to explore how Jesus loved and treated the Church and His believers. We know He gave His life for the Church; the other question is how did He treat the Apostles, and other people mentioned in the Bible? Through Scripture, we know Jesus washed the Apostles’ feet, broke bread with them, attended weddings with them, and healed them. He forgave them, loved them, and cast out demons. Jesus had righteous anger when He saw the Pharisees had (Mark 3:5 ) “Hardness of their Hearts” when He healed a withered hand on the Sabbath, and when people defiled his Father’s house selling in the Temple. In John 11:35, “Jesus wept,” out of compassion for Martha, Mary and the others mourning Lazarus’ death. He lead by example, and He taught others how to be better people through His Word. He taught them how to grow closer to God. He remained quiet when He was falsely accused. When He was lashed, crowned with thorns, made to carry a cross, yelled at, mocked, and crucified, He remained stoic. He did not yell. He did not act out. (Luke 23:3) “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them: for they know not what they do.” WOW! That is powerful. We are not perfect, but as a Christians, our goal is to be Christ-like and do our best to live like Him. Did you know that it is said in the Bible that if husbands are not considerate and respectful to their wives, their prayers can be hindered? (1 Peter 3:7) “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel; and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” I wonder how many prayers of husbands are being hindered because they are not honoring their wives or treating them the way the Bible teaches.

How should wives treat their husbands? It is written in Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the Savior of the body.” This line of the Bible causes so much controversy. Some men try to use this to say they should be a dictator and control their wife/family. However, as we read above that is NOT how Christ treated people. In fact, in the same verse in Ephesians 5:28-29, it is said: “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.” This all makes sense since husband and wife become joined as one flesh when they are married. So, women are meant to respect their husbands and, when a wife is loved the way Christ loves His Church, that respect comes easily. When they ran out of wine at the wedding feast at Cana, Jesus’ mother said to the servants (John 2:5) “Whatever He says to you, do it.” I feel that how Mary acted in this moment, trusting Jesus to make the right decision is a great example of letting a man you love know you trust and respect their decision making. (1 Corinthians 11:11-12) “Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” This passage can confirm a mutual dependence and equal worth, showing God made each gender in unity and love to complement each other.

There are many Bible verses that are clear about treating others the way we want to be treated. In Ephesians 5:21, it is written: “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” That said, what I have taken away from my research and reading is simply this: Husbands and wives should both treat each other with respect. As John 15:12 states, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” We also know the second greatest commandment is to “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Thank you for joining me in my deep dive into some of the many verses in the Bible that discuss marriage and family. Please understand this is my own interpretation of The Word, and how it resonates with me. I am not a biblical scholar. If you have a different understanding or view, I respect it fully. I am a therapist and have been married for 19 years. No marriage is perfect. I believe the Bible is the Truth we all need to learn to teach us how to show up in relationships, how to treat others, and how to be more Christ-like every day. As said in John 8:31-32: “Jesus the said to those Jews who believed in him, “If you remain in my word, you will truly be my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Finding Freedom in Suffering

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” (2 Cor 3:17)

By Jennifer Lindner, MA, Certified Spiritual Director — Suffering is inevitable, but sometimes it can be made worse by another pervasive feeling: stuckness. The source of our suffering can cause us to feel heavy or worried or scared. But feeling stuck can lead us to feel even more anxiety or sadness. We might even feel emotionally or spiritually paralyzed. Suffering, it seems, steals our freedom; we cannot extricate ourselves from our circumstances, nor do we feel like we can choose how to think or move forward. What if, however, we could look at our suffering in a different way? What if we could encounter God in the stuckness? We know that wherever God is, so also is there freedom, and He wants us to find it.

What does it feel like when we’re stuck in our suffering? Maybe we ask, “How can this be happening?” Or we demand, “Why, Lord?” The Psalms reflect the hopelessness we feel. “I am utterly spent and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart” (Ps 38:8). Fatigue and grief rob us of our ability to think and move freely. “My heart throbs, my strength fails me; and the light of my eyes — it also has gone from me” (Ps 38:10).

Turning to the Lord, though, even just enough to obtain a little space from our pain, we remember He is with us. “When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul” (Ps 94:19). In crying out to God, we trust He will help us. Like the Canaanite woman, we cry, “Lord, help me” (Matt 15:25), and we wait in hope for His answer, “[G]reat is your faith! Let it be done for you as you desire” (15:28).

God’s closeness strengthens us, and our trust in Him loosens our spiritual paralysis. We might not feel entirely free, but we no longer feel alone. The Lord unlocks the doors to our hearts. “I sought the LORD, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Ps 34:4). He descends into our spiritual prisons and liberates us. “The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them” (Ps 34:7).

Ultimately, God seeks to encounter us in the midst of our suffering so He can set us free. Sometimes we cry out to Jesus like the blind men: “Have mercy on us, Son of David” (Matt 9:27). Other times, Jesus finds us, as when he confronts the long-suffering man at the Sheep Gate: “Do you want to be healed?” (Jn 5:6). God repeatedly invites us to understand how we are most free not apart from suffering, but rather when we discover He is our refuge in the storm of our pain. It is there, during our times of need, that God calls us closest to Himself. As Paul tells us, “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor 12:10). “Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom,” because God is Truth, and wherever there is Truth, there too will we find freedom.

Where might you be feeling stuck or paralyzed today? What is pressing on your heart right now? Where, with God’s help, could you notice the freedom He is inviting you to experience? Where is He asking you to look for it? Prayer? Quiet? Beauty? Laughter? Rest? Follow Him. He will meet you there.

Grieving During the Holidays

By Neal Niznan, MSW, LCSW — The grief process is challenging any time of the year. Grieving the loss of a loved one around the holidays provides its own challenges that can magnify the intensity of grief you feel. As we move towards the end of the year, two short months and four major holidays, Halloween to New Year’s can be extremely hard to navigate. Planning in advance what you want to do during the holidays is one way to maintain a sense of management of the grief process.

The holidays embody an inherent sense of joy, happiness and peace. You, however, may not experience any of those feelings, and feel completely out of step with everyone else. It is hard to put on your happy face and make the holiday joyous when you do not feel that way at all. You may think it will just be easier not to do the holidays this year as a way of coping.

I would suggest avoid isolating yourself during the holidays. There may be a way to manage the emotional demands of the holidays and not throw yourself into a tailspin trying to navigate the demands on one’s time and wellbeing. Consider what you need for yourself and what parts of the holidays are important for you to participate in. This may be a year where you do not include all the family traditions. Review what you normally do to celebrate and select the most essential elements. Think about what the most meaningful parts of your traditions and see if you can incorporate them into your revised holiday plans. You may not have the energy to decorate the whole house or prepare all the family’s favorite dishes like you always did. Do what you have the energy for.

The grief process should be embraced not avoided. It is impossible to get together with others and not mention the deceased, or their absence. Try not to make it the elephant in the room. Include your loved one in the celebration by setting a place for them at the table, playing their favorite music, cooking their favorite dish, or including them in a prayer before the meal to honor them. Be proactive about how you would like to celebrate and include the deceased in the festivities.

It is important to have a plan for stepping away from, or even not attending, a holiday gathering. Despite your best efforts and intentions, give yourself the option, at the last minute, not to participate in family gatherings or parties if you are just not up for it. Give yourself space to participate in the way you can. Let others know that you may leave early or not join in certain activities. Others will understand this is a challenging time and you need space to be by yourself.

It may seem easier to avoid the holidays this year and hide until they are over. With a bit of reflection and planning, you can create for yourself a safe space to grieve, honor your loved one, and celebrate the holidays with family and friends. Everyone is grieving and missing the deceased loved one. We provide support to one another through our presence, our words and our touch. A message of love and support is expressed through an embrace with someone who understands our loss. Allow yourself to be the recipient of support from others and provide comfort in their grieving.

If The Empty Nest Makes You Depressed

By Teri Love, M.S. — When my son was one-year old, he loved to stand by the open dishwasher and “help” unload the clean dishes. One day, he dropped a glass, and it shattered at his bare feet. I was right beside him and swooped him up before he got cut. Later that day, I told my friend about the incident, and she said, “Our kids don’t realize how many times a day we save their lives.” I laughed because it was a little dramatic but also a little true.

Fast forward 17 years, and my husband and I dropped off that same son for his freshman year of college. How quickly the child we raised and protected since birth grew up and set out to begin his next phase of life. It was beautiful and exciting but also heartbreaking.

It is late August as I write this, and I see evidence of that same heartbreak in posts all over social media. There are college goodbye photos, tear-jerker parenting poems, and terms like “momancholy” in memes about the deep sadness we feel when adult kids move out.

What do we do with that deep sadness? It can be confusing because it often sits side-by-side with joy, relief and pride. It can also be complex if our kids don’t seem to be headed in the direction we hoped and prayed for. Because I’ve reckoned with oodles of these feelings myself, waded through them with friends and family, and addressed them in the therapy office, I would like to offer encouragement along with three ways to manage emotions during this phase of life:

Care for yourself. Recognize this is a colossal change, and practice self-compassion. Self-compassion might include a short break from work or other responsibilities while you grieve the empty room, empty chair at the dining table, or quieter house. It’s okay to cry and not apologize for it or criticize yourself. (“I’m being silly;” “I should be happy;” “Everyone else seems to be getting on with life.”) If there is something nice you would do for a friend going through a rough time — do that nice thing for you!
Talk! First, talk to God. God knows you and loves you and understands the details of your pain. Second, talk to people who’ve “launched” adult children before or are going through it along with you. This is the perfect time to invite another parent you know out to coffee or for a walk. It is surprisingly healing to be reminded you’re not in this alone. Third, if things seem too weighty to manage on your own, talk to a therapist. A good therapist can accompany, validate and help you navigate your way through this giant shift in your life and into the next phase. And speaking of the next phase . . .
Assess your life and dream a little about the next phase. Some parents might start this process well ahead of their adult child’s move-out day; others need a few months or longer to observe how things go and adjust to their “new normal.” When you’re ready, be intentional. Brainstorm things you’d like to do that match your personality, budget and energy. I’ve seen everything from turning a son’s room into an elaborate walk-in closet to taking sailing lessons, selling the house, and preparing for a trip around the world. The point is, life is not over and there are endless ways to invest in yourself, others, and your newly-adult child.

Six years have passed since our oldest son’s freshman drop-off at college. It doesn’t take much effort for me to recall the exact feelings I had as we drove away from him. It was (and still can be) a hollow ache and I don’t like it at all. If you are dealing with that hollow ache, I pray you will feel the consolations of God’s goodness and His promise to bring good things out of difficulties; the awareness that you are not alone; and the strength to talk about your experience with a trusted friend or therapist.

Managing Everything But Time

By Michael Kastelnik, Psy.D. – “Time management” is a funny phrase. To see what I mean, take the concept of management as largely understood in a business context. Companies all over the world spend a lot of time and effort to make sure their laborers can get the job done. Sometimes the mere presence of managers helps to keep people honest and ensure they are actually working and not slacking off or engaging in some other activity that is bad for business. This all makes sense with managing people that you can influence, but it makes less sense with such an invaluable yet intangible resource such as time. Nevertheless, there are other aspects of our lives over which we have more obvious control, albeit some of us more than others. I’m talking about things such as energy, stress and attention.

Like with many aspects of life, managing energy levels is relevant to the conversation. As such, any advice on improving time management will include the usual components of self-care such as proper diet, exercise or comparable activity, adequate sleep, maintaining wholesome relationships and stress management. In fact, stress management is a complex skill in itself and it may be fundamental to time management inasmuch as you need to have just the right amount of arousal to complete a task, according to the Yerkes-Dodson model of productivity. Too little concern for a task will literally get you nowhere, while too much concern can lead to progressively worse outcomes. Mistakes can occur. Burnout is an outcome when people are putting in more effort with no more output in the product. And, of course, health problems occur in the short term and over time when people get too stressed. Physiology is simple enough to regulate with activities such as slow, deep breathing or jumping jacks, while mental stress relief may involve something like journaling about concerns.

Attention is another resource that may require more discipline to regulate. We all tend to focus on things we find interesting and space out on boring tasks. Becoming your own behavioral therapist and limiting the interesting things to serve as a reward for the more mundane tasks could not only help you get your work done but could also build a resistance to forming unbalanced habits with things that exploit our attention, such as electronic devices.

In addition to short-term tactics to stay on task, it is also necessary to step back and make sure we are balancing efficiency, the ability to do tasks using less time, money or energy, with effectiveness, which is a positive contribution to our goals.

For example, let’s say you have a goal to build a stone wall on the front of your property. If you know you have a lot of large stones in your backyard, you may decide to start by gathering those stones and bringing them to the other side in the most efficient way possible. You could figure out how to reduce the likelihood of injury by lifting the rocks with a certain technique. You might utilize a simple machine, such a wheelbarrow, to do it quickly with simple machines like a wheelbarrow. You may be tempted to feel so proud of your method that you move the rocks to the backyard again because you can. Maybe that last activity sounds far fetched, but the point is that if the emphasis falls too much on efficiency, you may lose sight of other important things such as implementing the rest of the steps needed to complete the wall, maintaining it, and having a rationale why you are building it that you can instill in your children, who could in turn maintain or improve the wall when their time comes. The point of this example is to show how we need the ability to pause from our work periodically or even regularly to make sure we are growing in virtue and working towards worthwhile goals and not simply keeping busy.

So, what can we do if managing our time seems like such a complex task? We can pray that the Holy Ghost enable us to use His gifts such as wisdom. We can ask for counsel from respected elders and mentors on how to grow in prudence regarding particular problems we would like to solve. We can start where we are and acknowledge what we have some control over, such as self-care and attention, as well as those that we don’t control and could therefore benefit from avoiding worrying about, such as the passage of time. This is the Serenity Prayer in action. While we may not control time, there is a lot we all can do to make the most of it.

Hope for Teens with Specific Strategies

By Gian Milles, M.S., L.P.C. — We hear a lot today about the mental health crisis in teenagers. While it is true that teen mental health in America has been declining since the early 2010s, there is also reason for hope. According to research from the CDC, about 3 in 5 children ages 6 to 17 exhibit indicators of flourishing, including showing interest in learning new things, staying calm and in control when faced with a challenge, and working to finish tasks they start. Sometimes, with sensationalistic news and no shortage of geopolitical instability, we can be tempted to focus only on the negative. Depending on whether you are an optimist or a pessimist, you may see the 3/5 figure as comforting (over half of our children are healthy!) or worrisome (nearly half of our children are unhealthy!). Either way, I want to share some good news with you.

If you are one of those people who are happy to hear that 3/5 of children are healthy, I rejoice with you. This is certainly a wonderful thing that so many children are doing so well despite the adversity they are facing in our tumultuous times. On the other hand, if you are concerned about those that are not or if you know a young person who is struggling, there is reason for hope.

Psychologists have defined hope as willpower + waypower. What does this mean? It means that having hope consists of having the mental energy or motivation to achieve clear goals and specific pathways, or mental plans, for being able to make these goals happen. With proper coaching, the 40% of children and teens who are experiencing significant anxiety and/or depression can grow in the virtue of hope, and hopeful people are protected against strong, persistent emotions such as anxiety and depression. Helping teens to stay motivated by offering them incentives (e.g. taking them to a sporting event or a trip to Rita’s Water Ice) can be helpful. If it appears that they are motivated, but are having trouble with follow-through, It can also be helpful to help them problem-solve with specific ways they can achieve their goals. This may involve guiding them through building more effective study habits, improving their diet, or helping them to join a sports team or get a gym membership.

In the context of these strategies, the most powerful force for good in a child’s life is unconditional love. Kobe Bryant advocated for this in one of Bryant’s last interviews. When you tell a child that you love them no matter how they behave, and, what’s more, that God loves them no matter how they behave, this gives teens the freedom to take risks, knowing that failure does not threaten their inherent dignity and lovability.

This combination of unconditional love along with specific goals, motivation, and pathways to success are the resources that allow teens to effectively experience the freedom from anxiety and depression that God and we desire for them.

Having a Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit: What Does that Really Mean?

By Cindy Dowling, M.A., L.M.F.T. — How many times have you heard the importance of having a healthy mind, body and spirit to live your life to the fullest? It is something that I share the importance of with my clients. You may be wondering what exactly that means. Read on . . .

A healthy mind is the ability to maintain emotional balance, cognitive clarity and mental resilience. A state of mind where you have control or authority over the negative thoughts that pop into your head daily. Studies have shown we have over 6,000 thoughts a day. Those thoughts affect our actions and reactions to situations and people in our lives. When one lets their thoughts cause them to get stuck in the past (past regrets/mistakes/ losses/failures) it leads to depression. When one lets their thoughts lead to over-thinking fears of the future, a person can suffer from anxiety. A healthy mind also includes emotional stability, the ability to process and express feelings in a healthy way, and the capacity to adapt to change or adversity. Finally, maintaining a healthy mind means taking care of your emotional needs, setting boundaries, and nurturing your sense of self-worth and purpose.

To maintain a healthy body there are many avenues to explore. Your diet should be full of nutritious, minimally processed foods including a healthy supply of fruits and vegetables. If you typically eat healthy, you will know when you eat something unhealthy because you can feel it in how your body functions. It’s like putting the wrong fuel in your car and then it just doesn’t run the way it should. You should exercise regularly. When you exercise, your body naturally produces endorphins which help regulate your body’s response to stress and anxiety, and contribute to a feeling of overall well-being. Sleep (7-9 hours a night) and hydration are also important pieces to having a healthy body. Finally, avoiding unhealthy habits such as smoking/vaping, drinking alcohol and drug use is important.

A healthy spirit would include having a sense of inner peace and being confident in your religious values and practices. A healthy spirit is nurtured with a disciplined prayer life that encompasses gratitude, compassion and self-reflection. It would include a personal relationship with God that instills a sense of belonging to the body of Christ and a deeper meaning for life.

Working to maintain a healthy mind, body and spirit can help keep you functioning in an optimal condition and enhance your overall quality of life. If you feel you are lacking or struggling in one of these areas and may need the help of a mental health practitioner, please give our office a call to set up a consultation with one of our therapists. God bless.

Empathy and Apologies: Beginning the Healing Process for Couples

By Peter C. Kleponis, PhD, LPC, SATP, CSAT — Bill and Kathy are in their mid-forties. They have been married 20 years and have six children. Bill is a military officer and Kathy is a stay-at-home mom. Kathy sought marital counseling when she caught Bill viewing Internet pornography. A scan of the history on his laptop computer, cell phone and tablet revealed that he had been viewing pornography every day for months. After an individual counseling session with Bill, it was determined that he was addicted to pornography. Kathy felt devastated. For her, Bill’s use of pornography was as serious as an extramarital affair. Trust and marital vows had been broken. She cycled through many emotions: shock, numbness, anger, sadness, fear, etc. Bill felt a deep shame and sadness. He didn’t realize how deeply his pornography use would hurt Kathy. He was also shocked when he realized he was addicted to pornography. According to Bill, pornography was simply “adult entertainment.” It was also encouraged among men in the military. Both knew they needed help and were eager to work on recovering from the addiction and healing their marriage.

To begin the healing process, counseling is needed. It’s important to find a therapist who is trained to work with couples that have been affected by sexual addiction, betrayal and trauma. More importantly, the husband should be the one to locate such a therapist. He needs to take the initiative to work on healing the marriage. This speaks volumes to his wife about how sorry he is and that he is committed to fixing the damage that was caused by the pornography use.

Understanding Her Pain

After admitting there is a problem and seeking help, the first thing a man needs to do to heal his marriage is to truly understand how his pornography use has hurt his wife. Early in the healing process, I invite couples to a marital session. In that session, I ask the wife to describe how pornography use has affected her. She needs a safe place to share how deeply she has been hurt. This can be very painful for husbands to hear; however, they need to know how their selfish actions have hurt their wives. They need to have healthy empathy for their wives. I often witness men begin to cry in counseling sessions as they hear about the pain they’ve inflicted on their wives. Their hearts are broken because they realize how deeply they have hurt the persons they vowed to love and honor all the days of their lives. This deepens their commitment to working on healthy recovery and to healing their marriage. The road to restoring the marriage may be long and hard, but knowing you understand her pain sets a firm foundation for effective healing.

The therapy session where Kathy shared how deeply she had been hurt was difficult for Bill. For most of the session he sat silently. He tried to hold back tears of sadness. The guilt and the shame were almost unbearable. Still, he knew he needed to hear this. He needed to know the extent of the damage he had caused. As difficult as this was for him, it helped Kathy to know that he finally understood how she felt. She needed his empathy. His heart broke for her and he was ready to offer a sincere apology and be committed to healing and recovery for himself, Kathy and their marriage.

Healthy Apologies

In addition to understanding her pain, a wife needs to know her husband is truly sorry for the harm he caused. An apology needs to be heartfelt and sincere. Often men will offer apologies that are not sincere. They might say “I’m sorry if you feel hurt by my pornography use” or “I’m sorry if pornography offends you.” These apologies are weak and lack any acknowledgement of personal responsibility. With a sincere apology, you take full responsibility for your actions and the pain you’ve caused and you express true remorse. You acknowledge the results of your actions, such as:

Marital betrayal and violated trust
Wasted money on pornography
Lose of valuable time with your wife and children
Wife feeling lonely and rejected
Infecting your wife with sexually transmitted diseases
Being a hypocrite to others around you

Bill was heartbroken as he heard Kathy relate how his pornography use and addiction hurt her and their children. He couldn’t believe how cruel and selfish he had been. His apology sounded something like this:

“Kathy, I now realize how my use of pornography has deeply hurt you and I am so sorry. I know it was selfish of me. I broke our marriage vows. I know you must have felt lonely and rejected by me because of it. I never meant to hurt you or the kids. I know I have a lot of work to do to overcome my addiction and restore our marriage, but please know that I am committed to it. I don’t ever want to hurt you or the kids ever again. Please forgive me.”

While Kathy was still hurt and angry with Bill, she knew his apology was sincere. This gave her hope that Bill could overcome his addiction and they could restore their marriage. While there was much work ahead, they left the counseling session with a renewed hope for their marriage.