By Neal Niznan, MSW, LCSW — The grief process is challenging any time of the year. Grieving the loss of a loved one around the holidays provides its own challenges that can magnify the intensity of grief you feel. As we move towards the end of the year, two short months and four major holidays, Halloween to New Year’s can be extremely hard to navigate. Planning in advance what you want to do during the holidays is one way to maintain a sense of management of the grief process.
The holidays embody an inherent sense of joy, happiness and peace. You, however, may not experience any of those feelings, and feel completely out of step with everyone else. It is hard to put on your happy face and make the holiday joyous when you do not feel that way at all. You may think it will just be easier not to do the holidays this year as a way of coping.
I would suggest avoid isolating yourself during the holidays. There may be a way to manage the emotional demands of the holidays and not throw yourself into a tailspin trying to navigate the demands on one’s time and wellbeing. Consider what you need for yourself and what parts of the holidays are important for you to participate in. This may be a year where you do not include all the family traditions. Review what you normally do to celebrate and select the most essential elements. Think about what the most meaningful parts of your traditions and see if you can incorporate them into your revised holiday plans. You may not have the energy to decorate the whole house or prepare all the family’s favorite dishes like you always did. Do what you have the energy for.
The grief process should be embraced not avoided. It is impossible to get together with others and not mention the deceased, or their absence. Try not to make it the elephant in the room. Include your loved one in the celebration by setting a place for them at the table, playing their favorite music, cooking their favorite dish, or including them in a prayer before the meal to honor them. Be proactive about how you would like to celebrate and include the deceased in the festivities.
It is important to have a plan for stepping away from, or even not attending, a holiday gathering. Despite your best efforts and intentions, give yourself the option, at the last minute, not to participate in family gatherings or parties if you are just not up for it. Give yourself space to participate in the way you can. Let others know that you may leave early or not join in certain activities. Others will understand this is a challenging time and you need space to be by yourself.
It may seem easier to avoid the holidays this year and hide until they are over. With a bit of reflection and planning, you can create for yourself a safe space to grieve, honor your loved one, and celebrate the holidays with family and friends. Everyone is grieving and missing the deceased loved one. We provide support to one another through our presence, our words and our touch. A message of love and support is expressed through an embrace with someone who understands our loss. Allow yourself to be the recipient of support from others and provide comfort in their grieving.
