Integrity Counseling Services

Pennsylvania's Premier Center for Catholic Counseling and Spiritual Direction

Category: Psychotherapy

Integrity Counseling Services prayer

No Electronic Substitutes for Prayer

By Michael Kastelnik, Psy.D. — If you have been out in public in the last few years and patronized a business, you may have noticed some advertising that recommends you to “Download the App” that is pertinent to that business. This advertisement usually offers some reward, such as free gasoline or a free sandwich, for your downloading the free app. I’m reminded of the expression “There’s no such thing as a free lunch,” but we can discuss the true cost another time. Whether you participate in it or not, I think we can agree these companies are successful in using this technique of reinforcing our purchases, and sometimes even giving them the not-so-subtle name of a “Rewards Program.”

Given the power of incentives to shape our behavior, is it possible that the appeal of making our lives easier applies to less worldly activities than eating, such as thinking or praying? There are plenty of websites, applications and content related to intellectual endeavors and even to our faith. In fact, you are probably reading this article on a website. I personally enjoy finding the occasional video, podcast or prayer on the Internet. Some of these activities are “infotainment” that can help pass the time as well as provide me with some level of information that can inform my worldview and my faith. I can even stay connected with my brothers in Christ around the world via email or other apps.

A problem arises if we consider simply engaging with religious electronic content as fulfilling our Christian duty, or worse — vaguely being a “good person.” We can consume such content both passively and actively. The passive reception of content, such as displaying sacred art on the walls of your home or hearing an audio recording of Gregorian chant while you do chores, surely has its benefits. And, attentively reading threads in a group chat or listening to a recording of someone praying can be quite engaging and even an invitation to pray on your own. The Holy Spirit can speak to us through other people including the words of a book or the recorded voice of someone expounding on theology. Those words can even be the content of prayer, but the words themselves are not a substitute for the activity required of us to speak to Him in prayer. Hearing a recording of the rosary playing in the background is probably better than hearing a lot of what is on the radio today. But passive listening, while helpful for reinforcing learning of a foreign language, probably doesn’t count as prayer time, especially if that is the only time you are giving to God. Just as the Greek meaning of the word liturgy suggests, it is the work of the people, and work typically requires producing rather than merely consuming.

Given the challenge of incorporating technology in our lives while preserving our humanity, what can we do? Even if using this technology is more necessary to work, study, shop and communicate, there are some aspects of our lives that we can and must retain in simplicity.

For example, we can pray. We can spend time speaking to God and attempting to quiet your mind in order for your soul to hear what He has to say. Practice meditating on Truth using a good translation of the Bible and a commentary from the Church Fathers. Pencil this time in your calendar or planner, if necessary. If you don’t have a minute or two to spare for prayer, you might want to consider freeing up your schedule a bit. Also, you can make rules for limiting your electronics use to certain times and/or places. With the rest of your time, try to incorporate activities with flesh-and-blood people around you and more stable objects around you such as plants or books.

Even if our devices help us exchange information with each other and allow you to spread good ideas including the Good News, it is up to us to use our whole being, not just our digital profile or consumption habits, to follow the commandments to love God and love your neighbor as yourself. There isn’t an app for that, and that’s okay.

Alcohol Addiction

Drug and Alcohol Addictions: Causes and Enabling vs. Helping

By Gian Milles, MS, LPC, Integrity Counseling Services

Causes of Drug and Alcohol Addictions

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, people begin taking drugs for one or any combination of four reasons:
1) to feel good
2) to feel better if they are feeling bad
3) to improve performance or psychological functioning
4) curiosity and peer pressure.
I believe this is exactly right. This means that when people have an addiction to drugs and/or alcohol, this addiction serves a function.

All of us want to feel good. I do not know anyone who enjoys feeling bad, purely for the experience of feeling bad. Some people may enjoy the pain of a good workout (I do), but it is really the challenging of the mind and the growing of the body that people are after. The pain for its own sake would not be worth it. Even people who engage in self-harm or suicide are typically attempting to alleviate some sort of intense suffering.

At the same time, every single one of us chooses to do things that make us feel bad. We each have bad habits that we are struggling to kick. In this way, we all suffer from addictions. Addiction, as a human phenomenon, is more a matter of degree and type than it is about certain people being built a certain way.

While it is true that we all have addictions, some are certainly more severe than others. My inability to put the stinkin’ remote down and stop watching the second season of Narcos on Netflix (yes, I binge-watched it this past week) is not severe enough to prevent me from going to work. We are all in this together, but some people more than others have addictions that interfere with daily functioning. See the work of experts Dr. Gabor Mate and Dr. Anna Lembke to provide a more comprehensive case for this position.

Enabling vs. Helping

Friends and family can play an instrumental role in enabling an addiction, or conversely, in helping a person to overcome their addiction.

Many people fear losing their loved one, so they do not establish proper boundaries regarding the addicted person. They may even give them money that is being used for the drugs. This enabling is doing far more harm than good. Any addicted person will tell you how brilliant they can be at exploiting their loved ones to finance their addiction. Brief tips on how to avoid enabling include not giving someone money, not allowing someone to spend time with you while they are actively using drugs, and not allowing someone to live with you while they are using. These can be very difficult things to do when we see a person suffering with the disease of addiction, but oftentimes they are what is ultimately most helpful.

On the other hand, people who have the support of friends and family are more likely to overcome their addiction. Part of the reason the 12-step programs like AA and NA have helped so many people is because there is such an emphasis on building relationships. In these relationships, addicted people can feel unconditional love and acceptance. Some ways you can be helpful to an addicted person are by buying them groceries, giving them transportation to work or to a doctor’s appointment, and letting them know that you love them unconditionally and are there for them if they ever need to talk. Tough love in the form of strict boundaries is often the best way to help. Encouraging them to get help and staging an intervention with other loved ones can also be effective.

If you or someone you know is suffering from an addiction to alcohol or drugs, please do not hesitate to reach out for help.

Integrity Counseling King of Prussia

Death by Distraction

By Deborah Rojas, MA, Integrity Counseling Services — Could you handle a few technology-free days? No phone, no laptop, no music — power down the technological devices, and not because the word “vice” is in “device.” Stillness and true quiet are necessary for contemplation, the time and space for getting to know God and ourselves in relationship to Him. Contemplation is impossible when we are distracting ourselves to death.

I recently went on my first silent retreat at a convent. The hospitality of the sisters set the stage for a few days of prayer and rest, and the natural order and rhythm of the contemplative life provided a technology-free, sacred space to pray. Other than Mass and the Daily Office, I was left to myself with nothing that I had to do.

On an ordinary day, the tasks of the moment rule. It was in this space of having no tasks and freedom from technological distraction that I was able to be with God and get to know myself better. Different parts were able to emerge because I slowed down. Some of the parts that came forward are parts that I don’t like or would rather avoid but need love and the healing mercy of God.

In therapy, we often have to learn how to see ourselves before we can begin to do interior work. When parts of ourselves make us uncomfortable, the natural instinct is avoidance. This is easy with distractions like social media or video games. However, some distractions are internal: daydreaming, fantasies, worrisome obsessions, or over-spiritualization, for example, and more challenging to navigate.

When Jesus encountered suffering, he walked, not away, but towards it! He had compassion. He saw, and he had compassion. Then the healing began. I am grateful to work with the Great Physician and walk towards others who are suffering. It is much harder to embrace my own wounded parts. This might be one of the reasons why I love counseling so much!

I would rather distract, avoid and turn away from painful realities in my heart. This is not the pathway to life and love. Rather, it is death by distraction. Friends, make the meaningful effort to look up, look within and share the loving, compassionate gaze of Christ with each other. If it is too difficult to do on your own, seek the help of a qualified counselor to see you and walk with you.  May Jesus grant you healing in your relationships and a flourishing life this Easter season.

Words Matter

By Michael Kastelnik, M.S. — If you follow current events, you will inevitably hear about people getting in trouble for saying the wrong thing. The people involved either wittingly or unwittingly violated some rule, usually a specific company policy, but many times that rule was generally informed by social norms from some vague time in the past. The remedy usually involves a public apology and re-education about the rules and/or termination from employment or other contractual ties.

We must strive to use language properly. But keeping a job isn’t even the main reason to discern what to say and how to say it. What we tell ourselves and other people matters greatly for determining what we believe about the world and ourselves. Once we have this understanding, we can use our speech to relate to others. Then, we can see the power of speech as we relate to others, such as if we give someone a compliment or call them a bad name. Of course, the context matters, such as the relationship and the tone. Prayer is another example of the power of words. In the Catholic Church, priests give blessings and perform Sacraments. Their words indicate the intention of their souls and effect the change as Christ imparts His grace to live in union with Him.

While our words can cause change in the outside world, our mental self-talk can impact our inner state for better or worse. In his Introduction to the Science of Mental Health, Fr. Chad Ripperger reminds readers that one of the main goals of psychotherapy is to get the client back in touch with reality. This is true for everyone and not just those understood to be suffering from hallucinations or delusions. If someone is suffering from emotional pain, it may be something God wants him or her to embrace for the sake of healing and growing, but the suffering could also be due to an incomplete understanding of his or her circumstances or a habitual way of viewing their life. An example from the perspective of cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, a popular modality in psychotherapy today, is the view that sadness and anxiousness are rooted in distorted self-beliefs, which could be thought of as phrases such as “I am unlovable.” Taking stock of one’s life and talking through issues can be a good way to clarify the situation and move in the direction of problem-solving. Again, it is important to make sure our words are as close to reality as possible to identify the source of our personal problems most effectively.

While words have an inner and outer effect, they also have a cause. The words are a manifestation of an inner reality that is composed of memories of previous experiences, beliefs, as well as physiological states such as hunger. Using your own experience as an example, you can usually tell a lot about a person about what they say and how they say it, notwithstanding examples of skillful acting or lying. Of course, there is a mutual relationship between what we tell ourselves and what we believe. Whether that is a vicious or virtuous cycle depends upon the message. The good news is that we can change some of these words and beliefs. Based on psychology class lessons from the late Fr. Steve Dougherty, who taught me the acronym CRAPS (cognitive, relational, affective, physical, and spiritual, with emphasis on the problems if you leave out the “S”), I will start with “S” and reveal some of the strategies I sometimes discuss with clients regarding proper use of speech with themselves and others:

Spiritual: pray, sometimes using the method of lectio divina

Cognitive (conscious mental processes): read books to learn helpful strategies for life’s problems, write in a journal to increase self-awareness, and create to-do lists as a first step in prioritizing your tasks

Relational: take your own side by using kind words assertive language I-statements, not aggressive

Affective (pertaining to emotions): try to identify how you are feeling, why, and what you can do to change your emotional state, if necessary

Physical: tell yourself and state intentions to others regarding eating, sleeping and exercise

Use your words wisely — they matter.

Generosity and Joy

By Gian Milles, MS, LPC, Integrity Counseling Services — It is the magnitude of our hearts that determines the height and depth of our joy. That sounds like a line coming from Kahlil Gibran’s “The Prophet,” but ideas and words that have captivated the hearts and minds of readers for a century now have scientific research to back them up. 

The Notre Dame Science of Generosity Project defines generosity as “the virtue of giving good things to others freely and abundantly.” Dr. Summer Allen, a researcher working with the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, has compiled numerous research papers studying the positive effects of generosity on givers — i.e., the people who carry out generous actions. She found that generosity is linked with better overall health, delayed mortality, greater quality of life, feelings of vitality and self-esteem, happiness, a reduction in the risk of burnout at work, higher levels of contentment in relationships, and longer-lasting romantic relationships.

If generosity has such measurable benefits, how do we do it? The Notre Dame Science of Generosity Project states that generosity can involve giving “money, possessions, time, attention, aid, encouragement, emotional availability, and more.” Let’s get practical. How can I be more generous with my money, possessions, time, attention, aid, encouragement, and emotional availability?

Money: How much do I tithe? Would it be appropriate for me to prayerfully consider giving more of my money away? How much? To whom? Do I ever see the faces of the people to whom I tithe? Certainly, it is a virtue to give to charity, but sometimes tithing can be a way to avoid being generous in other ways. I know people who are willing to write a check for charity, but who won’t give a Saturday afternoon to a charitable cause because they need to be working. Giving our time can be much more difficult and uncomfortable than giving our money. How can I give more time to my spouse? My elderly parents or grandparents? My children? My siblings? Which of these relationships needs more tender loving care? Giving of our time flows into giving attention, aid, encouragement, and emotional availability. We can spend time with our spouse or children, but if our eyes are glued to the television or our smartphone the whole time, we are not giving the best of ourselves. How can we be generous with our attention, encouragement, and emotional availability? What prevents us from being kind, non-judgmental, accepting, and freely giving of our hearts to our loved ones? What fears, wounds, and insecurities create walls that limit our ability to extend ourselves emotionally and mentally to others? The work has only just begun.

As you can see, generosity is much more than writing a check (of course, writing checks to charitable organizations is necessary for good Christian living). As we dig deeper, we find the roadmap for how we can take steps toward being challenged and transformed into the person God is calling us to be. All the while becoming happier and doing more good deeds for others. Generosity involves saying yes to discomfort, but ancient wisdom and modern science alike concur that generosity makes us happier and healthier in the long-term. I encourage you to think of how you can do something generous today. 

The Three Tiers of Recovery

The Three Tiers of Recovery

By Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D., LPC, SATP, CSAT, Integrity Counseling Services —  As Director of Integrity Counseling Services, people frequently ask me what the recovery process entails. I often describe recovery as a three-tiered process: sobriety, inner-healing and transformation.

SOBRIETY:
Being sober means no longer using the substance to which you were addicted – pornography. Many people rate their success by the number of days, weeks, months or years of sobriety. Your sobriety date is the last day you acted out. Having a long period of sobriety can be a great encouragement to anyone in recovery.  The first goal of recovery is to establish a solid period of sobriety, usually about six weeks. Here a person works on developing the tools and skills to achieve and maintain healthy sobriety. This includes eliminating all pornography and access to it, participating in a 12-step support group, and recognizing the triggers and rituals that can lead a person into pornography use. This can be used to develop the strategies to avoid pornography.

INNER HEALING:
This pertains to identifying and resolving the root causes of an addiction. Ultimately the pornography use is the symptom. You will learn there are many painful emotional issues that can lead a person to self-medicate with pornography. Unless these issues are identified and resolved, sobriety tends to be “white-knuckle.”  This almost always leads to failure. Through counseling, a person can identify and resolve the root causes of the addiction. This will make maintaining healthy sobriety is much easier. This is true recovery.

TRANSFORMATION:
This is the ultimate goal of your program. While God wants to help you with your sobriety and recovery, his ultimate goal is to transform you into a new creation. He wants to heal you and help you become the person you were created to be. This is what makes recovery and life exciting for most addicted people. They are able to see God actively working in their lives and are more easily able to discern His will. They are able to claim their true identity as children of God. Marriages are healed and relationships are restored. Many men are grateful that their worlds came crashing down because of their addiction. They realized their lives and relationships were never healthy to begin with. Now they have the opportunity create healthier lives and relationships. Even their wives are happier because of the transformation they’ve seen in their husbands, their marriages and even in themselves. They are finally living happy, healthy lives!

Integrity Counseling Services PA recovery from addiction

Where is God in Recovery?

By Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D., SATP, CSAT, Integrity Counseling Services — People often wonder where God is when they struggle with an addiction. At Integrity Counseling Services, many of the men I work with who struggle with pornography addiction have prayed fervently for God to take it away. However, they feel their prayers have fallen on deaf ears because they continue to struggle. Some believe that God doesn’t even care about them.  They believe that because of their sins they are unlovable.

While it may be difficult for someone struggling with addiction to see God working in his life, the fact is that God is intimately involved. However, it takes some time and skill to recognize how God is at work in the healing process.

The first thing that a person in recovery needs to understand is the difference between a healing and a cure. The difference is time. A cure is immediate while a healing takes time.  In scripture, we read about many cures. Jesus cured the blind man, the crippled man and the lepers. This is what most addicts pray for — an instant cure. While God can do this, it’s been my experience that He prefers to work in healing people’s lives.

God wants to see His children freed from the chains of addiction; however, above all else, His greatest desire is to be in a deep, loving, intimate relationship with each of His children.  While most people would prefer a cure, it probably wouldn’t do much for their relationship with God. They would thank God and simply go about their lives forgetting all about Him.

With a healing, God says, “Let’s walk for a while and talk. Let’s get to know one another and build a relationship.” The end result of a cure and a healing is the same: health and restoration. However, with a healing there’s the added benefit of a deeper relationship with God. Here is how God uses our infirmities as an invitation to draw us closer to him. He wants us to know how much he loves us no matter what we’ve done.  He wants us to know that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” and that He delights in us!  Once you understand that God is more interested in healing you than curing you, it’s easier to be more patient with the recovery process. You can even begin to enjoy the journey of getting to know Him better.

It’s also important to be able to see how God is active in recovery. He reveals Himself through the people one meets, such as a confessor, spiritual director, support group members, sponsor, accountability partners and therapist. Many people I’ve counseled marvel at all the people God has brought into their lives to help them find freedom from pornography use. It requires great humility to develop such a team for recovery. One needs to let go of control, admit powerlessness and let God truly work in his life.

This is summed up in the first three of the 12-steps:

  1. We admitted that we were powerless over lust — that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Once a man can humbly submit his life to God, recovery becomes easier. He can fearlessly work through the 12 steps. He can reach out for help when needed and offer help to others in need. He will not only grow in humility, he will also grow in other virtues such as honesty, courage, faith, hope, love, trustworthiness, obedience, kindness, etc.

Another reason I believe God doesn’t simply come in and cure people is that recovery is more meaningful when a man takes ownership of it. This requires him to do the work of recovery. In addition to admitting his powerlessness and submitting to God, he needs to immerse himself in a comprehensive recovery program. He must acquire the skills to achieve and maintain sobriety. He needs to identify the root causes of his addiction and resolve them. He needs to mend relationships that have been hurt by his addiction. He needs to help others in recovery. It’s this work that can bring about true transformation in a man’s life. God wants men to experience this!

As one can see in the 12 steps, spirituality has always played an important role in recovery. Building an intimate relationship with God can truly help a person through the tough times and is necessary for authentic healing. However, this rarely occurs without some help. I recommend all my clients find a good spiritual director. This is usually a priest they meet with once a month. They can discuss their relationship with God, their image of God, ask questions about God, and receive guidance in developing a strong and healthy relationship with God through prayer, sacraments, and scripture.

Altogether, it’s not difficult to understand how God is present in one’s recovery and to see him actively working in it. It simply takes knowing where to look and how to look!  It’s seeking the healing, not the cure.

Integrity Counseling Services, Counseling Mental health help in PA, Telemental health

3 Keys to Happiness in Daily Life

It doesn’t take a whole new routine to instill a dose of happiness into your day—but it does take a little self awareness.

1. Be grateful for the good & the bad.

Research shows, grateful people are happy people. It’s also important to understand that happiness is not the absence of negative feelings. Gratitude is a focus on the present and appreciation for what we have now, rather than wanting more. Embracing gratitude, as a state of mind, can have a positive affect on all aspects of life including our happiness and overall satisfaction.

Up your mood by taking a moment daily to think of your world with gratitude. Start a gratitude journal or take a walk in nature paying attention to all the gifts around us. Think of a person that helps you on a daily or weekly basis – a spouse, parent, friend, pet, teacher, cleaner, or babysitter.

Quiz: How grateful are you? Take the Gratitude Quiz published by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.

2. Flex your creativity muscles.

Do you have a passion or hobby? It doesn’t have to be a formal activity, simply engaging in creative thinking can enhance well-being by enhancing cognitive flexibility and problem-solving abilities. A recent study out of New Zealand, published in The Journal of Positive Psychology explains that creative activities can trigger an “upward spiral” of well-being.

“Practicing an art — no matter how well or badly — is a way to make your soul grow. So do it.” – Kurt Vonnegut.

Make some space in your day to create, even if it’s just for the sake of it. Try exploring unique textures or even natural and recycled materials to make something for your home or a friend. Looking for some tips on how to add more creativity into your daily life? Read this list of 101 creative habits to explore.

3. Get connected, Stay connected.

Being apart of something larger than yourself can help bring perspective as well as a sense of belonging. Scientific evidence strongly suggests that feeling like you belong and generally feel close to other people is a core psychological need; essential to feeling satisfied with your life. The pleasures of social life register in our brains much the same way physical pleasure does.

So take the time to nurture a friendship that is important to you. Make an extra effort to show you care, send a card, make a plan to have lunch, or give them a call and really listen to what they say. Smile and say hello to a stranger. Tell a story when someone asks how your day is going. Notice how you feel when you share something with someone new.

Struggling and need support? Join a support group and talk to others that can relate. Find your tribe: support.therapytribe.com – a free online support community brought to you by TherapyTribe.

TherapyTribe - Wellness Tracker Tip: Check out the wellness tracker. It’s a simple but powerful tool designed to help you remember the promises you make to yourself. As you complete wellness activities your tree will blossom, and so will you!

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