Integrity Counseling Services

Pennsylvania's Premier Center for Catholic Counseling and Spiritual Direction

Category: Self Help

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Having a Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit: What Does that Really Mean?

By Cindy Dowling, M.A., L.M.F.T. — How many times have you heard the importance of having a healthy mind, body and spirit to live your life to the fullest? It is something that I share the importance of with my clients. You may be wondering what exactly that means. Read on . . .

A healthy mind is the ability to maintain emotional balance, cognitive clarity and mental resilience.  A state of mind where you have control or authority over the negative thoughts that pop into your head daily. Studies have shown we have over 6,000 thoughts a day. Those thoughts affect our actions and reactions to situations and people in our lives. When one lets their thoughts cause them to get stuck in the past (past regrets/mistakes/ losses/failures) it leads to depression. When one lets their thoughts lead to over-thinking fears of the future, a person can suffer from anxiety.  A healthy mind also includes emotional stability, the ability to process and express feelings in a healthy way, and the capacity to adapt to change or adversity. Finally, maintaining a healthy mind means taking care of your emotional needs, setting boundaries, and nurturing your sense of self-worth and purpose.

To maintain a healthy body there are many avenues to explore. Your diet should be full of nutritious, minimally processed foods including a healthy supply of fruits and vegetables. If you typically eat healthy, you will know when you eat something unhealthy because you can feel it in how your body functions. It’s like putting the wrong fuel in your car and then it just doesn’t run the way it should. You should exercise regularly. When you exercise, your body naturally produces endorphins which help regulate your body’s response to stress and anxiety, and contribute to a feeling of overall well-being.  Sleep (7-9 hours a night) and hydration are also important pieces to having a healthy body. Finally, avoiding unhealthy habits such as smoking/vaping, drinking alcohol and drug use is important.

A healthy spirit would include having a sense of inner peace and being confident in your religious values and practices. A healthy spirit is nurtured with a disciplined prayer life that encompasses gratitude, compassion and self-reflection. It would include a personal relationship with God that instills a sense of belonging to the body of Christ and a deeper meaning for life.

Working to maintain a healthy mind, body and spirit can help keep you functioning in an optimal condition and enhance your overall quality of life. If you feel you are lacking or struggling in one of these areas and may need the help of a mental health practitioner, please give our office a call to set up a consultation with one of our therapists.  God bless.

Integrity Counseling King of Prussia

Death by Distraction

By Deborah Rojas, MA, Integrity Counseling Services — Could you handle a few technology-free days? No phone, no laptop, no music — power down the technological devices, and not because the word “vice” is in “device.” Stillness and true quiet are necessary for contemplation, the time and space for getting to know God and ourselves in relationship to Him. Contemplation is impossible when we are distracting ourselves to death.

I recently went on my first silent retreat at a convent. The hospitality of the sisters set the stage for a few days of prayer and rest, and the natural order and rhythm of the contemplative life provided a technology-free, sacred space to pray. Other than Mass and the Daily Office, I was left to myself with nothing that I had to do.

On an ordinary day, the tasks of the moment rule. It was in this space of having no tasks and freedom from technological distraction that I was able to be with God and get to know myself better. Different parts were able to emerge because I slowed down. Some of the parts that came forward are parts that I don’t like or would rather avoid but need love and the healing mercy of God.

In therapy, we often have to learn how to see ourselves before we can begin to do interior work. When parts of ourselves make us uncomfortable, the natural instinct is avoidance. This is easy with distractions like social media or video games. However, some distractions are internal: daydreaming, fantasies, worrisome obsessions, or over-spiritualization, for example, and more challenging to navigate.

When Jesus encountered suffering, he walked, not away, but towards it! He had compassion. He saw, and he had compassion. Then the healing began. I am grateful to work with the Great Physician and walk towards others who are suffering. It is much harder to embrace my own wounded parts. This might be one of the reasons why I love counseling so much!

I would rather distract, avoid and turn away from painful realities in my heart. This is not the pathway to life and love. Rather, it is death by distraction. Friends, make the meaningful effort to look up, look within and share the loving, compassionate gaze of Christ with each other. If it is too difficult to do on your own, seek the help of a qualified counselor to see you and walk with you.  May Jesus grant you healing in your relationships and a flourishing life this Easter season.

Integrity Counseling Services

Difficult Conversations

By Cynthia G. Dowling, MA, LMFT, Integrity Counseling Services — Many clients come to me experiencing anxiety after exploring relationships in their lives, whether they are personal, work or community-based. Together we often find that they are feeling stuck in certain aspects of their lives because of a fear of having difficult conversations. Very few people enjoy hurting someone they love and care about. This fear or apprehension — holding one back from having a difficult conversation — can lead to feelings of anxiety, resentment and frustration. Identifying strategies for having these important conversations can lessen anxiety and increase the likelihood of people overcoming their fear.

Here are strategies I’ve outlined below:

Be mindful of your approach. Choosing your words thoughtfully, and making sure you speak in a kind tone, can start your conversation in the right direction. If one starts a conversation in an angry, frustrated or blaming tone, the other person will immediately feel defensive.

Stay on topic. Think about what you are hoping to accomplish in your conversation. Then, decide what your talking points will be and stay focused on them. During this process keep in mind what you feel you need to say to feel heard. Make sure to only bring up one or two topics in the conversation. More than that could cause the person you are confronting to feel overwhelmed and attacked.

Refrain from insults or putting the other person down. Whatever the issue is, it is causing you to feel a certain way. Make sure to speak using “I” statements, owning your feelings. “I” statements are a helpful way to take responsibility for how you feel or what you believe, and they help the listener to not feel blamed.

Think about possible outcomes. What would be the best-case scenario for the outcome of the conversation? What could be the worst? Know that the outcome will most likely be in the middle of the two scenarios.

In person vs. a letter/email.  Sometimes people feel they can be more to the point and less emotional by writing a letter or email vs. an in-person conversation. A letter/email can also be helpful if the person you need to speak to has a history of being reactive or defensive. The downside of this option is the possibility that you won’t receive a response.

Be open to compromise and hearing the other person’s perspective. Having difficult conversations opens us up to receiving feedback that could be positive or negative. Having knowledge of this going into the conversation is important. It is important to be open to finding a compromise moving forward. Having the ability to see our own imperfections or faults is hard; however, it is part of the process of growing and healing.

Having difficult conversations can be scary. The reality is the conversation will never go exactly as planned and that is OK. If you are holding back from addressing an issue and it is resulting in anxiety or frustration, it is important to vocalize what has been bothering you. The more you have these difficult conversations, the easier they become. Speaking the truth to someone in a kind and respectful way can result in feeling as if a weight has been lifted off you. The results of speaking your truth can be life changing.

Words Matter

By Michael Kastelnik, M.S. — If you follow current events, you will inevitably hear about people getting in trouble for saying the wrong thing. The people involved either wittingly or unwittingly violated some rule, usually a specific company policy, but many times that rule was generally informed by social norms from some vague time in the past. The remedy usually involves a public apology and re-education about the rules and/or termination from employment or other contractual ties.

We must strive to use language properly. But keeping a job isn’t even the main reason to discern what to say and how to say it. What we tell ourselves and other people matters greatly for determining what we believe about the world and ourselves. Once we have this understanding, we can use our speech to relate to others. Then, we can see the power of speech as we relate to others, such as if we give someone a compliment or call them a bad name. Of course, the context matters, such as the relationship and the tone. Prayer is another example of the power of words. In the Catholic Church, priests give blessings and perform Sacraments. Their words indicate the intention of their souls and effect the change as Christ imparts His grace to live in union with Him.

While our words can cause change in the outside world, our mental self-talk can impact our inner state for better or worse. In his Introduction to the Science of Mental Health, Fr. Chad Ripperger reminds readers that one of the main goals of psychotherapy is to get the client back in touch with reality. This is true for everyone and not just those understood to be suffering from hallucinations or delusions. If someone is suffering from emotional pain, it may be something God wants him or her to embrace for the sake of healing and growing, but the suffering could also be due to an incomplete understanding of his or her circumstances or a habitual way of viewing their life. An example from the perspective of cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, a popular modality in psychotherapy today, is the view that sadness and anxiousness are rooted in distorted self-beliefs, which could be thought of as phrases such as “I am unlovable.” Taking stock of one’s life and talking through issues can be a good way to clarify the situation and move in the direction of problem-solving. Again, it is important to make sure our words are as close to reality as possible to identify the source of our personal problems most effectively.

While words have an inner and outer effect, they also have a cause. The words are a manifestation of an inner reality that is composed of memories of previous experiences, beliefs, as well as physiological states such as hunger. Using your own experience as an example, you can usually tell a lot about a person about what they say and how they say it, notwithstanding examples of skillful acting or lying. Of course, there is a mutual relationship between what we tell ourselves and what we believe. Whether that is a vicious or virtuous cycle depends upon the message. The good news is that we can change some of these words and beliefs. Based on psychology class lessons from the late Fr. Steve Dougherty, who taught me the acronym CRAPS (cognitive, relational, affective, physical, and spiritual, with emphasis on the problems if you leave out the “S”), I will start with “S” and reveal some of the strategies I sometimes discuss with clients regarding proper use of speech with themselves and others:

Spiritual: pray, sometimes using the method of lectio divina

Cognitive (conscious mental processes): read books to learn helpful strategies for life’s problems, write in a journal to increase self-awareness, and create to-do lists as a first step in prioritizing your tasks

Relational: take your own side by using kind words assertive language I-statements, not aggressive

Affective (pertaining to emotions): try to identify how you are feeling, why, and what you can do to change your emotional state, if necessary

Physical: tell yourself and state intentions to others regarding eating, sleeping and exercise

Use your words wisely — they matter.

Integrity Counseling Services in PA

When You Don’t Look Forward to Mother’s Day

By Deborah Rojas, MS, Integrity Counseling Services — My kids loved to make Mother’s Day special by bringing hot coffee and something hopefully edible to me while I was still waking up. The moments of my pretending to be surprised, the impossibility of actually eating in bed, and the joy of the moment are priceless memories. I still have some of the handmade, illustrated cards. Mother’s Day with small children was a precious season of life for which I am eternally grateful.

If you find yourself with mixed emotions after celebrating Mother’s Day, perhaps you will find this to be helpful. Here are a few ways that Mother’s Day may carry heavy emotional weight: a difficult relationship with your mother, the pain of infertility, or the loss of a child or your mother.  Even so, there are ways to embrace suffering, surrender it to the Lord, and lean into the loving comfort of Mary, our spiritual mother, and those who love us.

Saint Teresa of Calcutta reminds us of the immense value of love in the ordinary things of life. While the presence of sacrificial love is easily taken for granted, the absence is unmistakable. When a child’s need for comfort is mocked, ignored, or suppressed, dysfunctional relational patterns develop. Trust becomes a foreign practice. If your relationship with your mother was a tangled mess, then you know the heartache and insecurity from that insecure attachment.

These wounds can experience healing, as we seek to forgive our mothers for actions that were both intentional and accidental. Forgiveness is perhaps the most rewarding and difficult work that we can do to experience freedom from the burden and pain inflicted by others. Have you experienced the grace of God and His forgiveness? Ask the Holy Spirit to help you desire to forgive and surrender the process to Him!

I first became aware of the pain some women experience on Mother’s Day in church as a child.  At the end of the service, my father, a Protestant pastor, asked all mothers to stand to receive a carnation. Then he asked all daughters to stand. In doing so, many women suffering from infertility and miscarriage received love and recognition on an otherwise painful day.

If you or someone you know is suffering the loss of a child or infertility, please talk about your suffering. Reach out to those you love to let them know this is a hard day for you and how to meaningfully support you. Consider how you can celebrate the lives of your little saints and encourage those who long to be mothers. This is an opportunity for compassionate presence and generous, bold love.

Mary knows the pain of losing her Son. A few years ago, one of my dearest friends called with the news that her oldest son had died in a tragic accident. I will never forget the agony of her cry. Love is no stranger to suffering, and Mary generously gave that gift in her presence at the foot of the cross. Holidays can particularly remind us of the absence of those with whom we wish to celebrate. Estrangement of adult children is another often unmentioned tragedy experienced by families across the globe. Love continues, even when those we love are no longer present in our lives, but this is a painful tension.

If this is not your story, and you look forward to Mother’s Day with joyful anticipation, you are truly blessed. Please pray for those who smile in the midst of heartbreak. Motherhood is a tremendous blessing for the giver and the recipient. How can we practice gratitude for these gifts? After my kids brought me breakfast in bed, I usually went to the kitchen to clean up before church.

As St. Teresa of Calcutta reminds us, love is experienced in the ordinary everyday nature of life: “Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.” May your all of your Mother’s Days be blessed and tireless!

Generosity and Joy

By Gian Milles, MS, LPC, Integrity Counseling Services — It is the magnitude of our hearts that determines the height and depth of our joy. That sounds like a line coming from Kahlil Gibran’s “The Prophet,” but ideas and words that have captivated the hearts and minds of readers for a century now have scientific research to back them up. 

The Notre Dame Science of Generosity Project defines generosity as “the virtue of giving good things to others freely and abundantly.” Dr. Summer Allen, a researcher working with the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, has compiled numerous research papers studying the positive effects of generosity on givers — i.e., the people who carry out generous actions. She found that generosity is linked with better overall health, delayed mortality, greater quality of life, feelings of vitality and self-esteem, happiness, a reduction in the risk of burnout at work, higher levels of contentment in relationships, and longer-lasting romantic relationships.

If generosity has such measurable benefits, how do we do it? The Notre Dame Science of Generosity Project states that generosity can involve giving “money, possessions, time, attention, aid, encouragement, emotional availability, and more.” Let’s get practical. How can I be more generous with my money, possessions, time, attention, aid, encouragement, and emotional availability?

Money: How much do I tithe? Would it be appropriate for me to prayerfully consider giving more of my money away? How much? To whom? Do I ever see the faces of the people to whom I tithe? Certainly, it is a virtue to give to charity, but sometimes tithing can be a way to avoid being generous in other ways. I know people who are willing to write a check for charity, but who won’t give a Saturday afternoon to a charitable cause because they need to be working. Giving our time can be much more difficult and uncomfortable than giving our money. How can I give more time to my spouse? My elderly parents or grandparents? My children? My siblings? Which of these relationships needs more tender loving care? Giving of our time flows into giving attention, aid, encouragement, and emotional availability. We can spend time with our spouse or children, but if our eyes are glued to the television or our smartphone the whole time, we are not giving the best of ourselves. How can we be generous with our attention, encouragement, and emotional availability? What prevents us from being kind, non-judgmental, accepting, and freely giving of our hearts to our loved ones? What fears, wounds, and insecurities create walls that limit our ability to extend ourselves emotionally and mentally to others? The work has only just begun.

As you can see, generosity is much more than writing a check (of course, writing checks to charitable organizations is necessary for good Christian living). As we dig deeper, we find the roadmap for how we can take steps toward being challenged and transformed into the person God is calling us to be. All the while becoming happier and doing more good deeds for others. Generosity involves saying yes to discomfort, but ancient wisdom and modern science alike concur that generosity makes us happier and healthier in the long-term. I encourage you to think of how you can do something generous today. 

Integrity Counseling Services, Counseling Mental health help in PA, Telemental health

3 Keys to Happiness in Daily Life

It doesn’t take a whole new routine to instill a dose of happiness into your day—but it does take a little self awareness.

1. Be grateful for the good & the bad.

Research shows, grateful people are happy people. It’s also important to understand that happiness is not the absence of negative feelings. Gratitude is a focus on the present and appreciation for what we have now, rather than wanting more. Embracing gratitude, as a state of mind, can have a positive affect on all aspects of life including our happiness and overall satisfaction.

Up your mood by taking a moment daily to think of your world with gratitude. Start a gratitude journal or take a walk in nature paying attention to all the gifts around us. Think of a person that helps you on a daily or weekly basis – a spouse, parent, friend, pet, teacher, cleaner, or babysitter.

Quiz: How grateful are you? Take the Gratitude Quiz published by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.

2. Flex your creativity muscles.

Do you have a passion or hobby? It doesn’t have to be a formal activity, simply engaging in creative thinking can enhance well-being by enhancing cognitive flexibility and problem-solving abilities. A recent study out of New Zealand, published in The Journal of Positive Psychology explains that creative activities can trigger an “upward spiral” of well-being.

“Practicing an art — no matter how well or badly — is a way to make your soul grow. So do it.” – Kurt Vonnegut.

Make some space in your day to create, even if it’s just for the sake of it. Try exploring unique textures or even natural and recycled materials to make something for your home or a friend. Looking for some tips on how to add more creativity into your daily life? Read this list of 101 creative habits to explore.

3. Get connected, Stay connected.

Being apart of something larger than yourself can help bring perspective as well as a sense of belonging. Scientific evidence strongly suggests that feeling like you belong and generally feel close to other people is a core psychological need; essential to feeling satisfied with your life. The pleasures of social life register in our brains much the same way physical pleasure does.

So take the time to nurture a friendship that is important to you. Make an extra effort to show you care, send a card, make a plan to have lunch, or give them a call and really listen to what they say. Smile and say hello to a stranger. Tell a story when someone asks how your day is going. Notice how you feel when you share something with someone new.

Struggling and need support? Join a support group and talk to others that can relate. Find your tribe: support.therapytribe.com – a free online support community brought to you by TherapyTribe.

TherapyTribe - Wellness Tracker Tip: Check out the wellness tracker. It’s a simple but powerful tool designed to help you remember the promises you make to yourself. As you complete wellness activities your tree will blossom, and so will you!

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