By Cindy Dowling, M.A., L.M.F.T. — As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I am always exploring different modalities and therapeutic techniques to apply in sessions with couples. As a Catholic Marriage and Family Therapist, the foundation of how I look at a marriage is based on biblical Truth. When I see Catholic and/or Christian clients, I can apply that Truth to whatever therapeutic approach I am using. I decided on this topic for an article to dive deeper and learn more about biblical Truths regarding marriage. Join me in my exploration.
It is important to understand what the Bible says about marriage and how we should treat our spouse, and it helps me to think about how I can apply the knowledge therapeutically. The first reference to marriage in the Bible is in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.” When you look at where this passage appears in the Bible, it is directly before the serpent deceives Eve into eating the forbidden fruit. An outside party — “the serpent” — coerced Eve to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge. As a couple, if they had come together and had a conversation and made the decision together, who knows what the end of the story might be? When it comes to big decisions in a marriage, it is so important for a couple to unite and decide based on their Truth, what is best for them as “one flesh.” We also see from this passage that Eve put her personal desires over her faith and marriage. She knew that God had told Adam in Genesis 17 not to eat fruit from the tree, yet she trusted the serpent over God and Adam. This passage dovetails perfectly with something that I was taught: In a marriage, faith should come first, then the married couple, next would be the children, and finally family and friends.
Biblical reference to Faith being first can be found in Matthew 22:37-38: “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.” I always remember the saying “a couple that prays together stays together.” A study by Brad Wilcox, a University of Virginia sociologist, found that statistics show those who regularly attend religious services are 47% less likely to divorce. With the staggering rate of divorce in America, this is an important thing to consider.
There are many references in the Bible about how we should treat others. What does it say about how a husband should treat his wife? (Ephesians 5:25-26) “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word.” My interpretation of this is Christ laid down his life for His Church. Jesus said his Church was not a building but made of a body of people. So, then it is important to explore how Jesus loved and treated the Church and His believers. We know He gave His life for the Church; the other question is how did He treat the Apostles, and other people mentioned in the Bible? Through Scripture, we know Jesus washed the Apostles’ feet, broke bread with them, attended weddings with them, and healed them. He forgave them, loved them, and cast out demons. Jesus had righteous anger when He saw the Pharisees had (Mark 3:5 ) “Hardness of their Hearts” when He healed a withered hand on the Sabbath, and when people defiled his Father’s house selling in the Temple. In John 11:35, “Jesus wept,” out of compassion for Martha, Mary and the others mourning Lazarus’ death. He lead by example, and He taught others how to be better people through His Word. He taught them how to grow closer to God. He remained quiet when He was falsely accused. When He was lashed, crowned with thorns, made to carry a cross, yelled at, mocked, and crucified, He remained stoic. He did not yell. He did not act out. (Luke 23:3) “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them: for they know not what they do.” WOW! That is powerful. We are not perfect, but as a Christians, our goal is to be Christ-like and do our best to live like Him. Did you know that it is said in the Bible that if husbands are not considerate and respectful to their wives, their prayers can be hindered? (1 Peter 3:7) “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel; and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” I wonder how many prayers of husbands are being hindered because they are not honoring their wives or treating them the way the Bible teaches.
How should wives treat their husbands? It is written in Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the Savior of the body.” This line of the Bible causes so much controversy. Some men try to use this to say they should be a dictator and control their wife/family. However, as we read above that is NOT how Christ treated people. In fact, in the same verse in Ephesians 5:28-29, it is said: “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.” This all makes sense since husband and wife become joined as one flesh when they are married. So, women are meant to respect their husbands and, when a wife is loved the way Christ loves His Church, that respect comes easily. When they ran out of wine at the wedding feast at Cana, Jesus’ mother said to the servants (John 2:5) “Whatever He says to you, do it.” I feel that how Mary acted in this moment, trusting Jesus to make the right decision is a great example of letting a man you love know you trust and respect their decision making. (1 Corinthians 11:11-12) “Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” This passage can confirm a mutual dependence and equal worth, showing God made each gender in unity and love to complement each other.
There are many Bible verses that are clear about treating others the way we want to be treated. In Ephesians 5:21, it is written: “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” That said, what I have taken away from my research and reading is simply this: Husbands and wives should both treat each other with respect. As John 15:12 states, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” We also know the second greatest commandment is to “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”
Thank you for joining me in my deep dive into some of the many verses in the Bible that discuss marriage and family. Please understand this is my own interpretation of The Word, and how it resonates with me. I am not a biblical scholar. If you have a different understanding or view, I respect it fully. I am a therapist and have been married for 19 years. No marriage is perfect. I believe the Bible is the Truth we all need to learn to teach us how to show up in relationships, how to treat others, and how to be more Christ-like every day. As said in John 8:31-32: “Jesus the said to those Jews who believed in him, “If you remain in my word, you will truly be my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
