Integrity Counseling Services

Pennsylvania's Premier Center for Catholic Counseling and Spiritual Direction

Category: Spiritual Direction

Let Go and Let God

Let Them or Let God?

By Teri Love, MS, LPC — About two years ago, I received a surprise package from a therapist friend of mine. It was the book, The Let Them Theory, by Mel Robbins who is a best-selling author, and has a top-ranked podcast according to the biographical blurb on the book’s dust jacket. Clearly, the book’s message felt life-changing for a lot of people because the edition I read included photos of “Let Them” tattoos sent to the author by devoted readers.

I began reading and quickly formed the opinion that the book is a secular version of the bumper sticker that says: “Let Go and Let God.” I like a lot of the book’s content, but found myself replacing the word “them” on many pages with the word “God.” Robbins concludes the book encouraging readers to focus on themselves. She means well, but from a Christian perspective, her advice is hollow.

Consider the alternative we have as Catholics. Proverbs 3:5 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.” The words of the Surrender Novena prayer sound similar: “O Jesus, I surrender myself to You, take care of everything!”

I don’t think these are easy words to live by. In fact, I’ve discussed the difficulty of trusting God countless times in therapy sessions and in conversations with family and friends. The most common concern we come up with is how do we truly trust a God we can’t see, and does it mean we just sit around and wait for Him to lead in every circumstance of the day? (The groceries don’t buy themselves!)

Part of the answer can be found by reading further. Proverbs 3:6 says “In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” What does it mean to acknowledge God? Right off the top of my head, I think of acknowledgement as short prayers; long prayers; deep conversations; whispered pleas in the midst of traffic jams; Hail Marys before making decisions; keeping the commandments; serving the poor; and loving people.

The wisdom of scriptures and saints is that any act can be an acknowledgment of God when done out of love for Jesus. Since Fulton Sheen was beatified just days ago, I’ll include this quote by him: “Motive is what makes the saint: Sanctification does not depend on geography, nor on our work or circumstances . . . We can take whatever He gives us, and we can make the supernatural best of it. The street cleaner with his broom, the farmer tilling the field with his horses, the doctor bending over the patient, the lawyer trying a case, the student with his books, the sick in their isolation and pain, the teacher drilling her pupils, the mother dressing the children — every such task, every such duty, can be ennobled and spiritualized if it is done in God’s name.”

This sounds like we don’t sit around and wait for him to lead. We acknowledge him and go about our lives knowing that he truly will take care of everything. Mel Robbins got the “let go” part correct in her “Let Them” theory. She detected the need we have for a reminder to surrender. And she offered us a book about it. But we already have one.

Counseling and Prayer

Don’t Blame God

By Gian Milles, MS, LPC — Every so often, throughout the course of counseling, a person will come out with the question or phrase, “Why is God not answering my prayers?” In these moments, I am called to bring myself back to moments in my life when I felt like there was no way out, and a prayer of desperation was my only recourse. From my experience as a therapist, I have learned that many of us have had moments like this.

Whittington and Scher (2010) found that some forms of prayer are associated with improvements in well-being, while others have either a neutral or negative impact on well-being. What does this mean? Shouldn’t all prayer be helpful? How can reaching out to God be unhelpful? I believe that prayers such as the above, which implicitly question God’s presence, goodness and love, illuminate the reason some prayers are not helpful to mental health.

But first, let me preface this with the fact that God loves everyone exactly as they are, and He is particularly present with the broken-hearted and the suffering (Psalm 34:18). There is nothing God desires more than for humans to flourish on this earth and to spend eternity with Him. That being said, God gives everyone our free will, which obviously, we misuse. We are invited to respond to God’s grace, or we will limit our participation in its benefits.

When we ask questions such as “Why is God not answering my prayers?,” we do something that prevents us from flourishing. We blame-shift. We state that God is the One who is capable and responsible for changing our lives, and we are not. It is His fault that we are suffering in this way, and we cannot be held accountable for our actions.

This blame-shifting reinforces the belief that we are incapable of change. And when we do not feel capable of change, it is nearly impossible for us to take the steps necessary to actually grow. Said differently, we generally think this way when we feel powerless and hopeless to change our situation.

Research confirms this, as one of the main prayer types that people find unhelpful or harmful is supplication, or asking God for things (Whittington & Scher, 2010). I would argue that this is a misuse of supplication, as asking God for things can aid us in humility and reliance on God, which is the heart of the spiritual life. However, asking God to do things we can and must do ourselves is a recipe for misery.

The first step, however, is feeling seen and known in these places where we feel powerless and hopeless. You can call this empathy. When we feel seen and known, we feel liberated. It is a paradoxical element of human nature that the validation of our suffering by another person decreases our suffering. This is chemically true, as feelings of connectedness to others release chemicals in our brain that act as analgesics, or painkillers. We need to first feel that others are with us in our suffering. We are understood, we are known, and we are loved. This gives us the power to enact change in our lives.

This is the “special sauce” of counseling. Many people either do not have someone to talk to about their innermost feelings or they have tried, but for some reason they persistently feel misunderstood. This can be due to either a lack of genuine love and empathy from others or because the structure of a certain part of a person is such that they are unable to receive this love and empathy (more on this in a future article).

Sometimes, it is true that empathy will not be enough to promote change. This is where encouragement and challenge have their place. Sometimes people do need to be called out on their nonsense and given an extra push to help them engage with the change process. There is a time and place for different approaches.

If you or someone you know feels stuck in a particular area of suffering, know that you do not have to suffer alone and that healing is possible.

Spiritual Direction at Integrity Counseling Services
White pebble stone on a sand

Which Do I Choose: Priest, Counselor, Therapist or Spiritual Director?

By Teri Love, MS — Friends and family members, even the ones who seem to “get” what a therapist does, often ask for clarification.

Can you prescribe medication? (No.) Can you work with all ages? (Yes.) Do you work with anxiety? (Yes.) Depression? (Yes.) Can you work with someone struggling with their faith or their sexuality or their grief? (Yes. Yes. Yes.)  Okay, well . . . can I just talk to my priest? Or, what if I need spiritual direction?

These are good and valid questions, and it might be helpful for you or someone you know to learn the similarities and differences between pastoral counseling, therapy,and spiritual direction.

Pastoral Counseling
What it is: Guidance or help from a parish priest, deacon or other trusted professional within the Church. Pastoral counseling should be solution-oriented and limited in number (depending on the schedule of the priest). Perhaps ideally, pastoral counseling may be a bridge to more in-depth therapy or spiritual direction with a different type of professional.

My parish priest told me that parishioners sometimes seek help after things come up in Confession: anger, resentment, an inability to forgive someone, or addiction issues. He said when he detects an issue, he asks if the parishioner wants to deal with it. He may offer to sit down and talk but said, “I try not to do ongoing counseling because it doesn’t work out. The difference between a priest and a clinician is that pastoral counseling is free and I can’t do this five or six weeks in a row. I don’t have the liberty of time.”

The level of expertise a priest offers for spiritual direction or related goals depends on their experience, training and circumstances. Priests may obtain Masters’ level training or higher in therapy, or intentionally attend conferences on mental health to keep informed about parishioner concerns.

If you are unsure whether your priest is open to and available for pastoral counseling, call your parish office and ask!

Therapy
What it is: Therapy or professional counseling typically refers to treatment by a trained and licensed clinician. The clinician is qualified to help address concerns including trauma, grief, anxiety, adjustment, depression, relationship conflicts and addiction.

Often there is a cost — time and money — for this type of treatment. There is evidence from research that healing can happen in therapy.

Many therapists specialize and have additional expertise in treating certain mental health concerns. Be sure to ask about this when you look for a therapist. Also, the top indicator for positive outcome in therapy is your rapport with the therapist. It is important that your therapist has professional training — and it is important that you can develop trust and get along!

Know your goal for therapy. It can be as simple as “Decrease anxiety” or as complicated as “Work to forgive my parents.” When you are ready to call a therapist, ask any questions you have about qualifications, specializations, and cost.

Spiritual Direction
What it is: My priest defined spiritual direction as “help with your relationship with God.” Spiritual direction may share elements of both pastoral counseling and therapy but emphasis is on discerning God’s will and/or improving your prayer life.

For example, a person might see a spiritual director to learn daily prayer disciplines, virtue or more deeply grasp God’s role in their life.

Some priests offer formal and informal spiritual direction. There are also trained spiritual directors who schedule sessions and charge a fee. As with therapy, there is usually a clear goal and process for the sessions.

If you are unsure what type of help you are looking for, talk to your parish priest or call Integrity Counseling Services. Our qualified staff offers therapy services and spiritual direction from a faithful Catholic perspective.

Pastoral counselors, therapists and spiritual directors are all trained to help, and all three offer hope.

Spiritual Direction

Finding Freedom in Suffering

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” (2 Cor 3:17)

By Jennifer Lindner, MA, Certified Spiritual Director — Suffering is inevitable, but sometimes it can be made worse by another pervasive feeling: stuckness. The source of our suffering can cause us to feel heavy or worried or scared. But feeling stuck can lead us to feel even more anxiety or sadness. We might even feel emotionally or spiritually paralyzed. Suffering, it seems, steals our freedom; we cannot extricate ourselves from our circumstances, nor do we feel like we can choose how to think or move forward. What if, however, we could look at our suffering in a different way? What if we could encounter God in the stuckness? We know that wherever God is, so also is there freedom, and He wants us to find it.

What does it feel like when we’re stuck in our suffering? Maybe we ask, “How can this be happening?” Or we demand, “Why, Lord?” The Psalms reflect the hopelessness we feel. “I am utterly spent and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart” (Ps 38:8). Fatigue and grief rob us of our ability to think and move freely. “My heart throbs, my strength fails me; and the light of my eyes — it also has gone from me” (Ps 38:10).

Turning to the Lord, though, even just enough to obtain a little space from our pain, we remember He is with us. “When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul” (Ps 94:19). In crying out to God, we trust He will help us. Like the Canaanite woman, we cry, “Lord, help me” (Matt 15:25), and we wait in hope for His answer, “[G]reat is your faith! Let it be done for you as you desire” (15:28).

God’s closeness strengthens us, and our trust in Him loosens our spiritual paralysis. We might not feel entirely free, but we no longer feel alone. The Lord unlocks the doors to our hearts. “I sought the LORD, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Ps 34:4). He descends into our spiritual prisons and liberates us. “The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them” (Ps 34:7).

Ultimately, God seeks to encounter us in the midst of our suffering so He can set us free. Sometimes we cry out to Jesus like the blind men: “Have mercy on us, Son of David” (Matt 9:27). Other times, Jesus finds us, as when he confronts the long-suffering man at the Sheep Gate: “Do you want to be healed?” (Jn 5:6). God repeatedly invites us to understand how we are most free not apart from suffering, but rather when we discover He is our refuge in the storm of our pain. It is there, during our times of need, that God calls us closest to Himself. As Paul tells us, “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor 12:10). “Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom,” because God is Truth, and wherever there is Truth, there too will we find freedom.

Where might you be feeling stuck or paralyzed today? What is pressing on your heart right now? Where, with God’s help, could you notice the freedom He is inviting you to experience? Where is He asking you to look for it? Prayer? Quiet? Beauty? Laughter? Rest? Follow Him. He will meet you there.

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