Category: Therapy

Spiritual Direction at Integrity Counseling Services — White pebble stone on a sand

Which Do I Choose: Priest, Counselor, Therapist or Spiritual Director?

By Teri Love, MS — Friends and family members, even the ones who seem to “get” what a therapist does, often ask for clarification.

Can you prescribe medication? (No.) Can you work with all ages? (Yes.) Do you work with anxiety? (Yes.) Depression? (Yes.) Can you work with someone struggling with their faith or their sexuality or their grief? (Yes. Yes. Yes.) Okay, well . . . can I just talk to my priest? Or, what if I need spiritual direction?

These are good and valid questions, and it might be helpful for you or someone you know to learn the similarities and differences between pastoral counseling, therapy,and spiritual direction.

Pastoral Counseling
What it is: Guidance or help from a parish priest, deacon or other trusted professional within the Church. Pastoral counseling should be solution-oriented and limited in number (depending on the schedule of the priest). Perhaps ideally, pastoral counseling may be a bridge to more in-depth therapy or spiritual direction with a different type of professional.

My parish priest told me that parishioners sometimes seek help after things come up in Confession: anger, resentment, an inability to forgive someone, or addiction issues. He said when he detects an issue, he asks if the parishioner wants to deal with it. He may offer to sit down and talk but said, “I try not to do ongoing counseling because it doesn’t work out. The difference between a priest and a clinician is that pastoral counseling is free and I can’t do this five or six weeks in a row. I don’t have the liberty of time.”

The level of expertise a priest offers for spiritual direction or related goals depends on their experience, training and circumstances. Priests may obtain Masters’ level training or higher in therapy, or intentionally attend conferences on mental health to keep informed about parishioner concerns.

If you are unsure whether your priest is open to and available for pastoral counseling, call your parish office and ask!

Therapy
What it is: Therapy or professional counseling typically refers to treatment by a trained and licensed clinician. The clinician is qualified to help address concerns including trauma, grief, anxiety, adjustment, depression, relationship conflicts and addiction.

Often there is a cost — time and money — for this type of treatment. There is evidence from research that healing can happen in therapy.

Many therapists specialize and have additional expertise in treating certain mental health concerns. Be sure to ask about this when you look for a therapist. Also, the top indicator for positive outcome in therapy is your rapport with the therapist. It is important that your therapist has professional training — and it is important that you can develop trust and get along!

Know your goal for therapy. It can be as simple as “Decrease anxiety” or as complicated as “Work to forgive my parents.” When you are ready to call a therapist, ask any questions you have about qualifications, specializations, and cost.

Spiritual Direction
What it is: My priest defined spiritual direction as “help with your relationship with God.” Spiritual direction may share elements of both pastoral counseling and therapy but emphasis is on discerning God’s will and/or improving your prayer life.

For example, a person might see a spiritual director to learn daily prayer disciplines, virtue or more deeply grasp God’s role in their life.

Some priests offer formal and informal spiritual direction. There are also trained spiritual directors who schedule sessions and charge a fee. As with therapy, there is usually a clear goal and process for the sessions.

If you are unsure what type of help you are looking for, talk to your parish priest or call Integrity Counseling Services. Our qualified staff offers therapy services and spiritual direction from a faithful Catholic perspective.

Pastoral counselors, therapists and spiritual directors are all trained to help, and all three offer hope.

Marriage counseling at Integrity Counseling Services

What does the Bible say about Marriage?

By Cindy Dowling, M.A., L.M.F.T. — As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I am always exploring different modalities and therapeutic techniques to apply in sessions with couples. As a Catholic Marriage and Family Therapist, the foundation of how I look at a marriage is based on biblical Truth. When I see Catholic and/or Christian clients, I can apply that Truth to whatever therapeutic approach I am using. I decided on this topic for an article to dive deeper and learn more about biblical Truths regarding marriage. Join me in my exploration.

It is important to understand what the Bible says about marriage and how we should treat our spouse, and it helps me to think about how I can apply the knowledge therapeutically. The first reference to marriage in the Bible is in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.” When you look at where this passage appears in the Bible, it is directly before the serpent deceives Eve into eating the forbidden fruit. An outside party — “the serpent” — coerced Eve to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge. As a couple, if they had come together and had a conversation and made the decision together, who knows what the end of the story might be? When it comes to big decisions in a marriage, it is so important for a couple to unite and decide based on their Truth, what is best for them as “one flesh.” We also see from this passage that Eve put her personal desires over her faith and marriage. She knew that God had told Adam in Genesis 17 not to eat fruit from the tree, yet she trusted the serpent over God and Adam. This passage dovetails perfectly with something that I was taught: In a marriage, faith should come first, then the married couple, next would be the children, and finally family and friends.

Biblical reference to Faith being first can be found in Matthew 22:37-38: “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.” I always remember the saying “a couple that prays together stays together.” A study by Brad Wilcox, a University of Virginia sociologist, found that statistics show those who regularly attend religious services are 47% less likely to divorce. With the staggering rate of divorce in America, this is an important thing to consider.

There are many references in the Bible about how we should treat others. What does it say about how a husband should treat his wife? (Ephesians 5:25-26) “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word.” My interpretation of this is Christ laid down his life for His Church. Jesus said his Church was not a building but made of a body of people. So, then it is important to explore how Jesus loved and treated the Church and His believers. We know He gave His life for the Church; the other question is how did He treat the Apostles, and other people mentioned in the Bible? Through Scripture, we know Jesus washed the Apostles’ feet, broke bread with them, attended weddings with them, and healed them. He forgave them, loved them, and cast out demons. Jesus had righteous anger when He saw the Pharisees had (Mark 3:5 ) “Hardness of their Hearts” when He healed a withered hand on the Sabbath, and when people defiled his Father’s house selling in the Temple. In John 11:35, “Jesus wept,” out of compassion for Martha, Mary and the others mourning Lazarus’ death. He lead by example, and He taught others how to be better people through His Word. He taught them how to grow closer to God. He remained quiet when He was falsely accused. When He was lashed, crowned with thorns, made to carry a cross, yelled at, mocked, and crucified, He remained stoic. He did not yell. He did not act out. (Luke 23:3) “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them: for they know not what they do.” WOW! That is powerful. We are not perfect, but as a Christians, our goal is to be Christ-like and do our best to live like Him. Did you know that it is said in the Bible that if husbands are not considerate and respectful to their wives, their prayers can be hindered? (1 Peter 3:7) “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel; and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” I wonder how many prayers of husbands are being hindered because they are not honoring their wives or treating them the way the Bible teaches.

How should wives treat their husbands? It is written in Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the Savior of the body.” This line of the Bible causes so much controversy. Some men try to use this to say they should be a dictator and control their wife/family. However, as we read above that is NOT how Christ treated people. In fact, in the same verse in Ephesians 5:28-29, it is said: “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.” This all makes sense since husband and wife become joined as one flesh when they are married. So, women are meant to respect their husbands and, when a wife is loved the way Christ loves His Church, that respect comes easily. When they ran out of wine at the wedding feast at Cana, Jesus’ mother said to the servants (John 2:5) “Whatever He says to you, do it.” I feel that how Mary acted in this moment, trusting Jesus to make the right decision is a great example of letting a man you love know you trust and respect their decision making. (1 Corinthians 11:11-12) “Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” This passage can confirm a mutual dependence and equal worth, showing God made each gender in unity and love to complement each other.

There are many Bible verses that are clear about treating others the way we want to be treated. In Ephesians 5:21, it is written: “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” That said, what I have taken away from my research and reading is simply this: Husbands and wives should both treat each other with respect. As John 15:12 states, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” We also know the second greatest commandment is to “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Thank you for joining me in my deep dive into some of the many verses in the Bible that discuss marriage and family. Please understand this is my own interpretation of The Word, and how it resonates with me. I am not a biblical scholar. If you have a different understanding or view, I respect it fully. I am a therapist and have been married for 19 years. No marriage is perfect. I believe the Bible is the Truth we all need to learn to teach us how to show up in relationships, how to treat others, and how to be more Christ-like every day. As said in John 8:31-32: “Jesus the said to those Jews who believed in him, “If you remain in my word, you will truly be my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Finding Freedom in Suffering

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” (2 Cor 3:17)

By Jennifer Lindner, MA, Certified Spiritual Director — Suffering is inevitable, but sometimes it can be made worse by another pervasive feeling: stuckness. The source of our suffering can cause us to feel heavy or worried or scared. But feeling stuck can lead us to feel even more anxiety or sadness. We might even feel emotionally or spiritually paralyzed. Suffering, it seems, steals our freedom; we cannot extricate ourselves from our circumstances, nor do we feel like we can choose how to think or move forward. What if, however, we could look at our suffering in a different way? What if we could encounter God in the stuckness? We know that wherever God is, so also is there freedom, and He wants us to find it.

What does it feel like when we’re stuck in our suffering? Maybe we ask, “How can this be happening?” Or we demand, “Why, Lord?” The Psalms reflect the hopelessness we feel. “I am utterly spent and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart” (Ps 38:8). Fatigue and grief rob us of our ability to think and move freely. “My heart throbs, my strength fails me; and the light of my eyes — it also has gone from me” (Ps 38:10).

Turning to the Lord, though, even just enough to obtain a little space from our pain, we remember He is with us. “When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul” (Ps 94:19). In crying out to God, we trust He will help us. Like the Canaanite woman, we cry, “Lord, help me” (Matt 15:25), and we wait in hope for His answer, “[G]reat is your faith! Let it be done for you as you desire” (15:28).

God’s closeness strengthens us, and our trust in Him loosens our spiritual paralysis. We might not feel entirely free, but we no longer feel alone. The Lord unlocks the doors to our hearts. “I sought the LORD, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Ps 34:4). He descends into our spiritual prisons and liberates us. “The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them” (Ps 34:7).

Ultimately, God seeks to encounter us in the midst of our suffering so He can set us free. Sometimes we cry out to Jesus like the blind men: “Have mercy on us, Son of David” (Matt 9:27). Other times, Jesus finds us, as when he confronts the long-suffering man at the Sheep Gate: “Do you want to be healed?” (Jn 5:6). God repeatedly invites us to understand how we are most free not apart from suffering, but rather when we discover He is our refuge in the storm of our pain. It is there, during our times of need, that God calls us closest to Himself. As Paul tells us, “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor 12:10). “Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom,” because God is Truth, and wherever there is Truth, there too will we find freedom.

Where might you be feeling stuck or paralyzed today? What is pressing on your heart right now? Where, with God’s help, could you notice the freedom He is inviting you to experience? Where is He asking you to look for it? Prayer? Quiet? Beauty? Laughter? Rest? Follow Him. He will meet you there.

Marital Life: Share Your Expectations

Genesis 2: For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

By Cindy Dowling, MS, LMFT — Marriage is a process full of growth and change. In a Christian marriage, each spouse’s role is to help the other get to Heaven. One important way to keep your marriage healthy is to share your expectations. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I am blessed to see clients at all stages of marriage: Couples who are dating and/or engaged who want to make sure they begin their Covenant on the right foot; couples recently married who want to anchor in healthy communication skills before children; couples who need support connecting and parenting young children; couples going through parenting transitions from pre-teens to teens or from high school to college; couples becoming empty nesters; and even retired couples. These couples could be in crisis. They could notice they are heading down a negative path and want to get ahead of a crisis in the future, or they could be just looking to strengthen their relationship.

When a couple gets married, each spouse brings with them their morals, values and traditions from their family of origin. They also bring with them their wounded past, possibly from their family of origin, past relationships or friendships. All these experiences help individuals create expectations of how they think their spouse, parenting and life will play out. When spouses don’t share these expectations with each other, it can lead to resentment and frustration because their needs or milestones they haven’t shared with their spouse have not been met. It is so important for couples to be open and honest, and share with each other the expectations they have for their life.

Here are some examples of expectations that people might forget to share:

• What a marriage should look like, chores, roles, who should work
• Communication
• Intimacy, affection, kind words
• Retirement
• Parenting
• Living close or far from family
• Cleanliness standards
• Sleeping habits (early risers/night owls)
• Need for personal space and need for time together
• Spending vs. saving
• Financial transparency
• Who pays for what
• Parenting styles
• When to have children and how many

This is a list of just some of the expectations I see couples struggle with in my practice. According to Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute, the normal couple waits an average of over six years of being unhappy before they seek marital therapy. If you are feeling unhappy in your marriage, don’t wait for help. Find a therapist who you connect with that you can have for the life of your marriage.

If The Empty Nest Makes You Depressed

By Teri Love, M.S. — When my son was one-year old, he loved to stand by the open dishwasher and “help” unload the clean dishes. One day, he dropped a glass, and it shattered at his bare feet. I was right beside him and swooped him up before he got cut. Later that day, I told my friend about the incident, and she said, “Our kids don’t realize how many times a day we save their lives.” I laughed because it was a little dramatic but also a little true.

Fast forward 17 years, and my husband and I dropped off that same son for his freshman year of college. How quickly the child we raised and protected since birth grew up and set out to begin his next phase of life. It was beautiful and exciting but also heartbreaking.

It is late August as I write this, and I see evidence of that same heartbreak in posts all over social media. There are college goodbye photos, tear-jerker parenting poems, and terms like “momancholy” in memes about the deep sadness we feel when adult kids move out.

What do we do with that deep sadness? It can be confusing because it often sits side-by-side with joy, relief and pride. It can also be complex if our kids don’t seem to be headed in the direction we hoped and prayed for. Because I’ve reckoned with oodles of these feelings myself, waded through them with friends and family, and addressed them in the therapy office, I would like to offer encouragement along with three ways to manage emotions during this phase of life:

Care for yourself. Recognize this is a colossal change, and practice self-compassion. Self-compassion might include a short break from work or other responsibilities while you grieve the empty room, empty chair at the dining table, or quieter house. It’s okay to cry and not apologize for it or criticize yourself. (“I’m being silly;” “I should be happy;” “Everyone else seems to be getting on with life.”) If there is something nice you would do for a friend going through a rough time — do that nice thing for you!
Talk! First, talk to God. God knows you and loves you and understands the details of your pain. Second, talk to people who’ve “launched” adult children before or are going through it along with you. This is the perfect time to invite another parent you know out to coffee or for a walk. It is surprisingly healing to be reminded you’re not in this alone. Third, if things seem too weighty to manage on your own, talk to a therapist. A good therapist can accompany, validate and help you navigate your way through this giant shift in your life and into the next phase. And speaking of the next phase . . .
Assess your life and dream a little about the next phase. Some parents might start this process well ahead of their adult child’s move-out day; others need a few months or longer to observe how things go and adjust to their “new normal.” When you’re ready, be intentional. Brainstorm things you’d like to do that match your personality, budget and energy. I’ve seen everything from turning a son’s room into an elaborate walk-in closet to taking sailing lessons, selling the house, and preparing for a trip around the world. The point is, life is not over and there are endless ways to invest in yourself, others, and your newly-adult child.

Six years have passed since our oldest son’s freshman drop-off at college. It doesn’t take much effort for me to recall the exact feelings I had as we drove away from him. It was (and still can be) a hollow ache and I don’t like it at all. If you are dealing with that hollow ache, I pray you will feel the consolations of God’s goodness and His promise to bring good things out of difficulties; the awareness that you are not alone; and the strength to talk about your experience with a trusted friend or therapist.

Managing Everything But Time

By Michael Kastelnik, Psy.D. – “Time management” is a funny phrase. To see what I mean, take the concept of management as largely understood in a business context. Companies all over the world spend a lot of time and effort to make sure their laborers can get the job done. Sometimes the mere presence of managers helps to keep people honest and ensure they are actually working and not slacking off or engaging in some other activity that is bad for business. This all makes sense with managing people that you can influence, but it makes less sense with such an invaluable yet intangible resource such as time. Nevertheless, there are other aspects of our lives over which we have more obvious control, albeit some of us more than others. I’m talking about things such as energy, stress and attention.

Like with many aspects of life, managing energy levels is relevant to the conversation. As such, any advice on improving time management will include the usual components of self-care such as proper diet, exercise or comparable activity, adequate sleep, maintaining wholesome relationships and stress management. In fact, stress management is a complex skill in itself and it may be fundamental to time management inasmuch as you need to have just the right amount of arousal to complete a task, according to the Yerkes-Dodson model of productivity. Too little concern for a task will literally get you nowhere, while too much concern can lead to progressively worse outcomes. Mistakes can occur. Burnout is an outcome when people are putting in more effort with no more output in the product. And, of course, health problems occur in the short term and over time when people get too stressed. Physiology is simple enough to regulate with activities such as slow, deep breathing or jumping jacks, while mental stress relief may involve something like journaling about concerns.

Attention is another resource that may require more discipline to regulate. We all tend to focus on things we find interesting and space out on boring tasks. Becoming your own behavioral therapist and limiting the interesting things to serve as a reward for the more mundane tasks could not only help you get your work done but could also build a resistance to forming unbalanced habits with things that exploit our attention, such as electronic devices.

In addition to short-term tactics to stay on task, it is also necessary to step back and make sure we are balancing efficiency, the ability to do tasks using less time, money or energy, with effectiveness, which is a positive contribution to our goals.

For example, let’s say you have a goal to build a stone wall on the front of your property. If you know you have a lot of large stones in your backyard, you may decide to start by gathering those stones and bringing them to the other side in the most efficient way possible. You could figure out how to reduce the likelihood of injury by lifting the rocks with a certain technique. You might utilize a simple machine, such a wheelbarrow, to do it quickly with simple machines like a wheelbarrow. You may be tempted to feel so proud of your method that you move the rocks to the backyard again because you can. Maybe that last activity sounds far fetched, but the point is that if the emphasis falls too much on efficiency, you may lose sight of other important things such as implementing the rest of the steps needed to complete the wall, maintaining it, and having a rationale why you are building it that you can instill in your children, who could in turn maintain or improve the wall when their time comes. The point of this example is to show how we need the ability to pause from our work periodically or even regularly to make sure we are growing in virtue and working towards worthwhile goals and not simply keeping busy.

So, what can we do if managing our time seems like such a complex task? We can pray that the Holy Ghost enable us to use His gifts such as wisdom. We can ask for counsel from respected elders and mentors on how to grow in prudence regarding particular problems we would like to solve. We can start where we are and acknowledge what we have some control over, such as self-care and attention, as well as those that we don’t control and could therefore benefit from avoiding worrying about, such as the passage of time. This is the Serenity Prayer in action. While we may not control time, there is a lot we all can do to make the most of it.

No Electronic Substitutes for Prayer

By Michael Kastelnik, Psy.D. — If you have been out in public in the last few years and patronized a business, you may have noticed some advertising that recommends you to “Download the App” that is pertinent to that business. This advertisement usually offers some reward, such as free gasoline or a free sandwich, for your downloading the free app. I’m reminded of the expression “There’s no such thing as a free lunch,” but we can discuss the true cost another time. Whether you participate in it or not, I think we can agree these companies are successful in using this technique of reinforcing our purchases, and sometimes even giving them the not-so-subtle name of a “Rewards Program.”

Given the power of incentives to shape our behavior, is it possible that the appeal of making our lives easier applies to less worldly activities than eating, such as thinking or praying? There are plenty of websites, applications and content related to intellectual endeavors and even to our faith. In fact, you are probably reading this article on a website. I personally enjoy finding the occasional video, podcast or prayer on the Internet. Some of these activities are “infotainment” that can help pass the time as well as provide me with some level of information that can inform my worldview and my faith. I can even stay connected with my brothers in Christ around the world via email or other apps.

A problem arises if we consider simply engaging with religious electronic content as fulfilling our Christian duty, or worse — vaguely being a “good person.” We can consume such content both passively and actively. The passive reception of content, such as displaying sacred art on the walls of your home or hearing an audio recording of Gregorian chant while you do chores, surely has its benefits. And, attentively reading threads in a group chat or listening to a recording of someone praying can be quite engaging and even an invitation to pray on your own. The Holy Spirit can speak to us through other people including the words of a book or the recorded voice of someone expounding on theology. Those words can even be the content of prayer, but the words themselves are not a substitute for the activity required of us to speak to Him in prayer. Hearing a recording of the rosary playing in the background is probably better than hearing a lot of what is on the radio today. But passive listening, while helpful for reinforcing learning of a foreign language, probably doesn’t count as prayer time, especially if that is the only time you are giving to God. Just as the Greek meaning of the word liturgy suggests, it is the work of the people, and work typically requires producing rather than merely consuming.

Given the challenge of incorporating technology in our lives while preserving our humanity, what can we do? Even if using this technology is more necessary to work, study, shop and communicate, there are some aspects of our lives that we can and must retain in simplicity.

For example, we can pray. We can spend time speaking to God and attempting to quiet your mind in order for your soul to hear what He has to say. Practice meditating on Truth using a good translation of the Bible and a commentary from the Church Fathers. Pencil this time in your calendar or planner, if necessary. If you don’t have a minute or two to spare for prayer, you might want to consider freeing up your schedule a bit. Also, you can make rules for limiting your electronics use to certain times and/or places. With the rest of your time, try to incorporate activities with flesh-and-blood people around you and more stable objects around you such as plants or books.

Even if our devices help us exchange information with each other and allow you to spread good ideas including the Good News, it is up to us to use our whole being, not just our digital profile or consumption habits, to follow the commandments to love God and love your neighbor as yourself. There isn’t an app for that, and that’s okay.

Drug and Alcohol Addictions: Causes and Enabling vs. Helping

By Gian Milles, MS, LPC, Integrity Counseling Services

Causes of Drug and Alcohol Addictions

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, people begin taking drugs for one or any combination of four reasons:
1) to feel good
2) to feel better if they are feeling bad
3) to improve performance or psychological functioning
4) curiosity and peer pressure.
I believe this is exactly right. This means that when people have an addiction to drugs and/or alcohol, this addiction serves a function.

All of us want to feel good. I do not know anyone who enjoys feeling bad, purely for the experience of feeling bad. Some people may enjoy the pain of a good workout (I do), but it is really the challenging of the mind and the growing of the body that people are after. The pain for its own sake would not be worth it. Even people who engage in self-harm or suicide are typically attempting to alleviate some sort of intense suffering.

At the same time, every single one of us chooses to do things that make us feel bad. We each have bad habits that we are struggling to kick. In this way, we all suffer from addictions. Addiction, as a human phenomenon, is more a matter of degree and type than it is about certain people being built a certain way.

While it is true that we all have addictions, some are certainly more severe than others. My inability to put the stinkin’ remote down and stop watching the second season of Narcos on Netflix (yes, I binge-watched it this past week) is not severe enough to prevent me from going to work. We are all in this together, but some people more than others have addictions that interfere with daily functioning. See the work of experts Dr. Gabor Mate and Dr. Anna Lembke to provide a more comprehensive case for this position.

Enabling vs. Helping

Friends and family can play an instrumental role in enabling an addiction, or conversely, in helping a person to overcome their addiction.

Many people fear losing their loved one, so they do not establish proper boundaries regarding the addicted person. They may even give them money that is being used for the drugs. This enabling is doing far more harm than good. Any addicted person will tell you how brilliant they can be at exploiting their loved ones to finance their addiction. Brief tips on how to avoid enabling include not giving someone money, not allowing someone to spend time with you while they are actively using drugs, and not allowing someone to live with you while they are using. These can be very difficult things to do when we see a person suffering with the disease of addiction, but oftentimes they are what is ultimately most helpful.

On the other hand, people who have the support of friends and family are more likely to overcome their addiction. Part of the reason the 12-step programs like AA and NA have helped so many people is because there is such an emphasis on building relationships. In these relationships, addicted people can feel unconditional love and acceptance. Some ways you can be helpful to an addicted person are by buying them groceries, giving them transportation to work or to a doctor’s appointment, and letting them know that you love them unconditionally and are there for them if they ever need to talk. Tough love in the form of strict boundaries is often the best way to help. Encouraging them to get help and staging an intervention with other loved ones can also be effective.

If you or someone you know is suffering from an addiction to alcohol or drugs, please do not hesitate to reach out for help.

Difficult Conversations

By Cynthia G. Dowling, MA, LMFT, Integrity Counseling Services — Many clients come to me experiencing anxiety after exploring relationships in their lives, whether they are personal, work or community-based. Together we often find that they are feeling stuck in certain aspects of their lives because of a fear of having difficult conversations. Very few people enjoy hurting someone they love and care about. This fear or apprehension — holding one back from having a difficult conversation — can lead to feelings of anxiety, resentment and frustration. Identifying strategies for having these important conversations can lessen anxiety and increase the likelihood of people overcoming their fear.

Here are strategies I’ve outlined below:

Be mindful of your approach. Choosing your words thoughtfully, and making sure you speak in a kind tone, can start your conversation in the right direction. If one starts a conversation in an angry, frustrated or blaming tone, the other person will immediately feel defensive.

Stay on topic. Think about what you are hoping to accomplish in your conversation. Then, decide what your talking points will be and stay focused on them. During this process keep in mind what you feel you need to say to feel heard. Make sure to only bring up one or two topics in the conversation. More than that could cause the person you are confronting to feel overwhelmed and attacked.

Refrain from insults or putting the other person down. Whatever the issue is, it is causing you to feel a certain way. Make sure to speak using “I” statements, owning your feelings. “I” statements are a helpful way to take responsibility for how you feel or what you believe, and they help the listener to not feel blamed.

Think about possible outcomes. What would be the best-case scenario for the outcome of the conversation? What could be the worst? Know that the outcome will most likely be in the middle of the two scenarios.

In person vs. a letter/email. Sometimes people feel they can be more to the point and less emotional by writing a letter or email vs. an in-person conversation. A letter/email can also be helpful if the person you need to speak to has a history of being reactive or defensive. The downside of this option is the possibility that you won’t receive a response.

Be open to compromise and hearing the other person’s perspective. Having difficult conversations opens us up to receiving feedback that could be positive or negative. Having knowledge of this going into the conversation is important. It is important to be open to finding a compromise moving forward. Having the ability to see our own imperfections or faults is hard; however, it is part of the process of growing and healing.

Having difficult conversations can be scary. The reality is the conversation will never go exactly as planned and that is OK. If you are holding back from addressing an issue and it is resulting in anxiety or frustration, it is important to vocalize what has been bothering you. The more you have these difficult conversations, the easier they become. Speaking the truth to someone in a kind and respectful way can result in feeling as if a weight has been lifted off you. The results of speaking your truth can be life changing.

Cindy Dowling Therapist Integrity Counseling Services

Integrity Counseling Services Welcomes Cindy Dowling, MA, LMFT

Integrity Counseling Services welcomes licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Cindy Dowling, MA, LMFT to the ICS team. Cindy’s background includes 15 years of experience in the field of psychology. She has worked in private practice, taught undergraduate psychology, and helped many individuals, couples and families as a family-based therapist.

With a masters degree from La Salle University focusing on marriage and family therapy, Cindy helps individuals, couples and families learn how to break unhealthy patterns and communicate effectively. Her work focuses on seeing the struggles in one’s life through the context of their relationships.

She believes individuals are shaped through their life experiences, and those life lessons influence much of how one presents in other relationships.

Cindy is passionate about working with her clients. She works with couples and families, providing a safe and neutral space to express emotions, promoting compassion for each person, and helping each individual feel heard.

Cindy is a practicing Catholic and feels that faith is an important component to the therapeutic process. She is married and the mother of five daughters.

If you’re interested in scheduling a consultation with Cindy, please call Integrity Counseling Services at 610-601-9781 or email our office to set up an appointment.