Integrity Counseling Services

Pennsylvania's Premier Center for Catholic Counseling and Spiritual Direction

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Hope for Teens with Specific Strategies

By Gian Milles, M.S., L.P.C.  — We hear a lot today about the mental health crisis in teenagers. While it is true that teen mental health in America has been declining since the early 2010s, there is also reason for hope. According to research from the CDC, about 3 in 5 children ages 6 to 17 exhibit indicators of flourishing, including showing interest in learning new things, staying calm and in control when faced with a challenge, and working to finish tasks they start. Sometimes, with sensationalistic news and no shortage of geopolitical instability, we can be tempted to focus only on the negative. Depending on whether you are an optimist or a pessimist, you may see the 3/5 figure as comforting (over half of our children are healthy!) or worrisome (nearly half of our children are unhealthy!). Either way, I want to share some good news with you.

If you are one of those people who are happy to hear that 3/5 of children are healthy, I rejoice with you. This is certainly a wonderful thing that so many children are doing so well despite the adversity they are facing in our tumultuous times. On the other hand, if you are concerned about those that are not or if you know a young person who is struggling, there is reason for hope.

Psychologists have defined hope as willpower + waypower. What does this mean? It means that having hope consists of having the mental energy or motivation to achieve clear goals and specific pathways, or mental plans, for being able to make these goals happen. With proper coaching, the 40% of children and teens who are experiencing significant anxiety and/or depression can grow in the virtue of hope, and hopeful people are protected against strong, persistent emotions such as anxiety and depression. Helping teens to stay motivated by offering them incentives (e.g. taking them to a sporting event or a trip to Rita’s Water Ice) can be helpful. If it appears that they are motivated, but are having trouble with follow-through, It can also be helpful to help them problem-solve with specific ways they can achieve their goals. This may involve guiding them through building more effective study habits, improving their diet, or helping them to join a sports team or get a gym membership.

In the context of these strategies, the most powerful force for good in a child’s life is unconditional love. Kobe Bryant advocated for this in one of Bryant’s  last interviews. When you tell a child that you love them no matter how they behave, and, what’s more, that God loves them no matter how they behave, this gives teens the freedom to take risks, knowing that failure does not threaten their inherent dignity and lovability.

This combination of unconditional love along with specific goals, motivation, and pathways to success are the resources that allow teens to effectively experience the freedom from anxiety and depression that God and we desire for them.

Integrity Counseling Services

Living on a Tightrope

By Deborah Rojas, MA, LPC — There are many great analogies for describing a sense of feeling overwhelmed. When I was in graduate school, I would often equate it to being on a tightrope, riding a unicycle, juggling plates. Did I mention that the tightrope was suspended over the Grand  Canyon and that it was in the middle of a hurricane?

Reality check!  I can barely walk a balance beam, do not know how to juggle, and am afraid of heights!  While in graduate school, I was working full-time and raising teens as a single parent. Life was stressful academically, relationally, financially, and I struggled knowing what to prioritize. Often, the most urgent item in the moment demanded my attention, and I became accustomed to responding to the tyranny of a deadline.

Feeling overwhelmed made it difficult to maintain the level of productivity necessary, and I began to develop strategies to feel less like I was living on a tightrope and more firmly planted on the ground. These needs were spiritual, physical, and relational. There were many subcategories, but I will share a few that were particularly helpful.

Prayer became a mainstay. I made it a priority to spend time with God daily. It became a regular habit to constantly ask for help. I would ask for God’s grace to get a paper done, plan a liturgy, help me talk with one of my kids, or simply for a moment to breathe. Prayer could not be an hour sitting in quiet, but instead became a way of life. It was a powerful reminder that all of my work was not being done in my own strength. This brought an abundance of peace and helped to navigate away from hyper-independence.

Physically, I started walking and eating more intentionally. I also made it a point to sleep adequately. And, every month, I took a full day to do something in nature, often going to see my friends at a Catholic worker farm. It was challenging to take time away from the time-sensitive pressures of school and work. However, the rejuvenation from taking a walk, eating a healthy meal, or taking a break for a longer moment testified to the benefit of a change of pace.

Relationally, it is amazing what happens when we prioritize love. Every moment with family and friends served as a powerful reminder that we are made by Love Himself for love. I always felt better after a talk with my kids, a phone call with a friend, or the rare dinner out. If I could go back, I would have been more available to my children during those precious teen years. But I struggled to be present in the context of deadlines.

I am so grateful for the changes I was able to make and the lessons I continue to learn in this lifetime journey of growth. It is humbling and good to recognize our needs. Ignoring them leaves us feeling like we are being pummeled by a storm about to lose balance and fall to our demise. The reality is that we are safe in God’s loving hands. Anxiety tells us otherwise. Feeling anxious and overwhelmed may be an opportunity to grow, to better learn how to listen to God’s voice and gain more balance.

Forgiveness from Childhood Wounds and Its Physical, Spiritual and Emotional Affects

By Cindy Dowling, M.A., L.M.F.T. — Forgiving others is one the most difficult things we must do as Christians.  It can also free us from a psychological perspective. Combining the spiritual aspect of forgiveness with the psychological aspect can lead to great healing. Many people have suffered greatly at the hands of others.  I’ve seen the mere thought of forgiving someone, when they have been deeply hurt, cause one to cry, become angry, and/or emotionally shut down.  When I talk about forgiveness, I do not mean to be dismissive of your pain. That is real. Forgiveness is part of the healing process. There are many important places to explore when it comes to forgiveness. For instance, how does holding on to past hurts affect us physically, spiritually and emotionally.

Holding a grudge can lead to many negative physical manifestations including but not limited to stress, headaches, insomnia, heart disease, high blood pressure, increased mental health issues, upset stomachs, etc.

 As for how forgiveness affects us spiritually, in the bible, there are many references to forgiveness and how important it is for us.  Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”  Also, in Matthew you can find the ‘Parable of the Unforgiving Servant.’

I love my house when it has just been cleaned. There is just something wonderful about clean floors, no dust, everything in its place that gives me a sense of peace and happiness. I compare a clean house to cleansing your soul with forgiveness.

I recently had a friend say to me, “If I forgive her, I’m letting her off the hook.” To which I said, “You aren’t letting her off the hook, you are getting rid of the hook she has in you. You need to take the hook of anger and resentment out, so it doesn’t continue to hurt you and hold you down.” By forgiving, you set yourself free emotionally. This doesn’t mean you are saying what the other person did is okay or that you need to allow them in your life to continue to hurt you. It means you are releasing the last of their control over you.

Many times, our interactions with people in our lives today unknowingly may trigger a wound from our past and we may react to them based on the past wound rather than the current situation. Ask yourself, how is this past wound showing up in my current relationship?  Is it affecting the way I trust or treat my family, my spouse, my children?  How will forgiving the wound and releasing the hurt affect my emotional reactions moving forward?

How can you truly heal these childhood wounds? One way is to invite the Holy Spirit into your heart and soul and ask Him to show you wounds from your childhood from which you have not healed. Take time each day to think about these memories and ask Jesus to heal those wounded parts and help you to forgive the person who hurt you.

It is important to also think about the negative things you started to tell yourself when this wound occurred and recognize these negative thoughts are not true. Make sure you also take time to forgive yourself. Many times, we go to confession to ask for God’s forgiveness, but we don’t forgive ourselves. It is just as important to forgive ourselves as it is to forgive others.

If you need more help healing from these past hurts, talk to a priest or therapist to help you process these wounds and truly forgive, so that you can begin to live your life free of resentments and/or grudges.

Dr. Michael Kastelnik Joins Integrity Counseling Services Fulltime

Michael Kastelnik, Psy.D. is a full-time clinical therapist with Integrity Counseling Services. Dr. Michael enjoys helping individuals, couples, and groups struggling with issues such as depression, anxiety, ADHD and men’s issues.

As an Army veteran who has worked with many military veterans over the years, he is keenly aware of the issues veterans face, especially PTSD and addictions.

As a former seminarian, Dr. Michael is passionate about incorporating Catholic spirituality into each client’s treatment program.  He understands that while psychology is a powerful tool, God is the ultimate Healer of people’s lives and relationships.

Dr. Michael is excited to help clients experience real healing, growth, and change in their lives. His goal is to help people attain the fullness of life that God wants for us all!

For more information, visit www.IntegrityCounselingPA.com.

Alcohol Addiction

Drug and Alcohol Addictions: Causes and Enabling vs. Helping

By Gian Milles, MS, LPC, Integrity Counseling Services

Causes of Drug and Alcohol Addictions

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, people begin taking drugs for one or any combination of four reasons:
1) to feel good
2) to feel better if they are feeling bad
3) to improve performance or psychological functioning
4) curiosity and peer pressure.
I believe this is exactly right. This means that when people have an addiction to drugs and/or alcohol, this addiction serves a function.

All of us want to feel good. I do not know anyone who enjoys feeling bad, purely for the experience of feeling bad. Some people may enjoy the pain of a good workout (I do), but it is really the challenging of the mind and the growing of the body that people are after. The pain for its own sake would not be worth it. Even people who engage in self-harm or suicide are typically attempting to alleviate some sort of intense suffering.

At the same time, every single one of us chooses to do things that make us feel bad. We each have bad habits that we are struggling to kick. In this way, we all suffer from addictions. Addiction, as a human phenomenon, is more a matter of degree and type than it is about certain people being built a certain way.

While it is true that we all have addictions, some are certainly more severe than others. My inability to put the stinkin’ remote down and stop watching the second season of Narcos on Netflix (yes, I binge-watched it this past week) is not severe enough to prevent me from going to work. We are all in this together, but some people more than others have addictions that interfere with daily functioning. See the work of experts Dr. Gabor Mate and Dr. Anna Lembke to provide a more comprehensive case for this position.

Enabling vs. Helping

Friends and family can play an instrumental role in enabling an addiction, or conversely, in helping a person to overcome their addiction.

Many people fear losing their loved one, so they do not establish proper boundaries regarding the addicted person. They may even give them money that is being used for the drugs. This enabling is doing far more harm than good. Any addicted person will tell you how brilliant they can be at exploiting their loved ones to finance their addiction. Brief tips on how to avoid enabling include not giving someone money, not allowing someone to spend time with you while they are actively using drugs, and not allowing someone to live with you while they are using. These can be very difficult things to do when we see a person suffering with the disease of addiction, but oftentimes they are what is ultimately most helpful.

On the other hand, people who have the support of friends and family are more likely to overcome their addiction. Part of the reason the 12-step programs like AA and NA have helped so many people is because there is such an emphasis on building relationships. In these relationships, addicted people can feel unconditional love and acceptance. Some ways you can be helpful to an addicted person are by buying them groceries, giving them transportation to work or to a doctor’s appointment, and letting them know that you love them unconditionally and are there for them if they ever need to talk. Tough love in the form of strict boundaries is often the best way to help. Encouraging them to get help and staging an intervention with other loved ones can also be effective.

If you or someone you know is suffering from an addiction to alcohol or drugs, please do not hesitate to reach out for help.

addiction counseling

Powerlessness is Not Helplessness

By Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D., SATP, CSAT, Integrity Counseling Services

John came into treatment for pornography addiction feeling very discouraged. He had struggled with it for years. Because of the deep shame he felt, John tried to kick the addiction on his own but with no luck. He was feeling completely helpless. In order for John to succeed in recovery, he needed to switch from feeling helpless to feeling powerless. While these words may seem synonymous, they are completely different.

When a person feels helpless, he has little hope for a better future. He feels as if he’s stuck in his current situation forever. There is no help out there for him. It’s not hard to see how someone in this mindset could easily give up. This is where John was.  He didn’t believe he could overcome his addiction. He even began to believe he would never be able to live without porn.

A person who feels powerless can have great hope for the future. This is because, while he realizes he doesn’t have the tools to fight this battle on his own, there are others who can help him win the battle. He is aware that there are many valuable resources available to him, and he uses them. Addiction can be viewed as an army that the addict must defeat. However, as a lone soldier, he cannot defeat that army on his own. He is powerless. However, when he brings in his own army (therapist, support group, sponsor, etc.), he has the power to defeat that army. He is not helpless.

For John, changing from helpless to powerless began when he started attending a 12-step group. By immersing himself in the recovery lifestyle, he began to truly understand what being powerless meant and how powerful that was. He no longer felt alone in his fight. He was able to find his army to help him fight his addiction. In his group, he found several accountability partners with whom he checked in daily. After a few months John found a sponsor to help him work through the twelve steps. He then found a therapist to help him heal from the emotional wounds that he had been using pornography to self-medicate. He also found a spiritual director to help him grow in his relationship with God. Through admitting his powerlessness, John was able to amass the resources to recover from his addiction. Because of this, he no longer felt helpless. Being powerless actually left him feeling powerful because he knew he was not fighting his addiction alone.

If you are feeling helpless in your struggle with pornography, I want to challenge you to replace that label with powerless. This can help give you the strength to seek out the resources needed for healthy recovery. It can give you hope for a brighter future without pornography. Whenever you feel the urge to act out, you will be reaching out to your army to fight the battle and win! Here is where being powerless can leave you feeling powerful.

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