Integrity Counseling Services

Pennsylvania's Premier Center for Catholic Counseling and Spiritual Direction

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Marriage counseling at Integrity Counseling Services

What does the Bible say about Marriage?

By Cindy Dowling, M.A., L.M.F.T. — As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I am always exploring different modalities and therapeutic techniques to apply in sessions with couples. As a Catholic Marriage and Family Therapist, the foundation of how I look at a marriage is based on biblical Truth. When I see Catholic and/or Christian clients, I can apply that Truth to whatever therapeutic approach I am using. I decided on this topic for an article to dive deeper and learn more about biblical Truths regarding marriage. Join me in my exploration.

It is important to understand what the Bible says about marriage and how we should treat our spouse, and it helps me to think about how I can apply the knowledge therapeutically. The first reference to marriage in the Bible is in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.”  When you look at where this passage appears in the Bible, it is directly before the serpent deceives Eve into eating the forbidden fruit. An outside party — “the serpent” — coerced Eve to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge. As a couple, if they had come together and had a conversation and made the decision together, who knows what the end of the story might be? When it comes to big decisions in a marriage, it is so important for a couple to unite and decide based on their Truth, what is best for them as “one flesh.” We also see from this passage that Eve put her personal desires over her faith and marriage. She knew that God had told Adam in Genesis 17 not to eat fruit from the tree, yet she trusted the serpent over God and Adam. This passage dovetails perfectly with something that I was taught: In a marriage, faith should come first, then the married couple, next would be the children, and finally family and friends.

Biblical reference to Faith being first can be found in Matthew 22:37-38: “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.” I always remember the saying “a couple that prays together stays together.”  A study by Brad Wilcox, a University of Virginia sociologist, found that statistics show those who regularly attend religious services are 47% less likely to divorce. With the staggering rate of divorce in America, this is an important thing to consider.

There are many references in the Bible about how we should treat others. What does it say about how a husband should treat his wife? (Ephesians 5:25-26) “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word.”  My interpretation of this is Christ laid down his life for His Church. Jesus said his Church was not a building but made of a body of people. So, then it is important to explore how Jesus loved and treated the Church and His believers. We know He gave His life for the Church; the other question is how did He treat the Apostles, and other people mentioned in the Bible? Through Scripture, we know Jesus washed the Apostles’ feet, broke bread with them, attended weddings with them, and healed them. He forgave them, loved them, and cast out demons. Jesus had righteous anger when He saw the Pharisees had (Mark 3:5 ) “Hardness of their Hearts” when He healed a withered hand on the Sabbath, and when people defiled his Father’s house selling in the Temple. In John 11:35, “Jesus wept,” out of compassion for Martha, Mary and the others mourning Lazarus’ death. He lead by example, and He taught others how to be better people through His Word. He taught them how to grow closer to God. He remained quiet when He was falsely accused. When He was lashed, crowned with thorns, made to carry a cross, yelled at, mocked, and crucified, He remained stoic. He did not yell. He did not act out. (Luke 23:3) “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them: for they know not what they do.”  WOW! That is powerful. We are not perfect, but as a Christians, our goal is to be Christ-like and do our best to live like Him. Did you know that it is said in the Bible that if husbands are not considerate and respectful to their wives, their prayers can be hindered?  (1 Peter 3:7) “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel; and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” I wonder how many prayers of husbands are being hindered because they are not honoring their wives or treating them the way the Bible teaches.

How should wives treat their husbands? It is written in Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the Savior of the body.” This line of the Bible causes so much controversy.  Some men try to use this to say they should be a dictator and control their wife/family. However, as we read above that is NOT how Christ treated people. In fact, in the same verse in Ephesians 5:28-29, it is said: “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.” This all makes sense since husband and wife become joined as one flesh when they are married.  So, women are meant to respect their husbands and, when a wife is loved the way Christ loves His Church, that respect comes easily. When they ran out of wine at the wedding feast at Cana, Jesus’ mother said to the servants (John 2:5) “Whatever He says to you, do it.” I feel that how Mary acted in this moment, trusting Jesus to make the right decision is a great example of letting a man you love know you trust and respect their decision making. (1 Corinthians 11:11-12) “Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.” This passage can confirm a mutual dependence and equal worth, showing God made each gender in unity and love to complement each other.

There are many Bible verses that are clear about treating others the way we want to be treated. In Ephesians 5:21, it is written: “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” That said, what I have taken away from my research and reading is simply this: Husbands and wives should both treat each other with respect. As John 15:12 states, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” We also know the second greatest commandment is to “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Thank you for joining me in my deep dive into some of the many verses in the Bible that discuss marriage and family. Please understand this is my own interpretation of The Word, and how it resonates with me. I am not a biblical scholar. If you have a different understanding or view, I respect it fully. I am a therapist and have been married for 19 years. No marriage is perfect. I believe the Bible is the Truth we all need to learn to teach us how to show up in relationships, how to treat others, and how to be more Christ-like every day. As said in John 8:31-32: “Jesus the said to those Jews who believed in him, “If you remain in my word, you will truly be my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

New Year's resolutions

New Year’s Resolution S.M.A.R.T. Goals

By Anna Pecoraro, Ph.D. — If you are reading this, chances are that you have a New Year’s Resolution. Unfortunately — as we all know — many of these resolutions end up not happening. But when they do, great things can occur.

It is best to start small and use a S.M.A.R.T. Goal framework, to be successful. Here are some practical steps:

  1. There are a number of areas in which you could set a goal for yourself. Some of these include: personal, emotional, financial, social, physical/exercise, job and educational.
  2. Ask yourself: What do I need to do the most? And, what am I most likely to actually do? (The answers may not be the same!)
  3. It’s OK to choose the goal that you are most likely to do. (However, if you really want to address a ‘big’ goal that you are not likely to do, break it up into small steps. Start with a step that you think that you would actually do.)
  4. Make your goal into a S.M.A.R.T. Goal:

Specific: Be very specific and precise. Here is an example for the domain of exercise: Improve my core and back by doing sit-ups every day for the next 30 days starting today.

Measurable: How would I measure this? I could say that I am going to do 10 sit-ups per day, every day of the week before getting into bed at night. I could keep track of it on a calendar.

Achievable/Attainable: 10 sit-ups per day are very attainable for most people.

Relevant: Sit-ups are very relevant to having a healthy core and a healthy back.

Time-Bound: The goal is bound by time in two ways: every day, for 30 days. When the 30 days are up, I can set another goal with sit-ups, etc.

Integrity Counseling Services - A.I. Article

We are Irreplaceable

By Michael Kastelnik, Psy.D. — We are in the midst of large technological changes in our society. In the past, I have remarked about the ubiquity of electronics in our lives, and suggested ways to limit exposure to such technology for the sake of mental health. While the suggestion stands to aim for incorporating electronics in our lives in a healthy and balanced way, taking such steps may not prevent what is about to happen in our society and impact many aspects of our lives.

We have already been witnessing the smart phone becoming a one-stop shop for facilitating the provision of human needs short of actually feeding, clothing and sheltering people. As prevalent as this current so-called smart technology is, the next generation will most assuredly be more ubiquitous — and even invasive — such as through wearable or implanted devices. This will no doubt have implications for our attention span, health and relationships.

There is a buzz these days about the glories of artificial intelligence, or A.I. Generative A.I. will be involved in the creation of much content. As a consequence, some people may begin to accept a blending of real and imaginary images, sounds and even concepts in a sort of hyperreality, while others may become skeptical of most or everything they have come to know and believe. Assuredly, many will take for granted the access to quick answers for simple straightforward questions. But not all questions in life are simple. “How is my relationship with God these days?” or “Am I called to priesthood or marriage?” or “What is the significance of this particular suffering that God is allowing in my life?” This is where we need to remember our humanity and the gift of reason rather than depending solely on data.

Some are saying that A.I. in conjunction with robotics will take over many of the tasks that people normally do. In the best-case scenario, we are being promised a world where we don’t have to worry about the necessities of life such as manual labor but we can rather focus on activities such as leisure. As appealing as this scenario may sound, the issue of automation raises the concern about the elimination of jobs and the displacement laborers in the workforce. This could devastate many people who place a lot of significance in their work that they enjoy, by which they feed their households, in which they excel, or in which they find meaning for their lives. I am aware of St. Paul’s admonition to the Thessalonians that those who don’t work shall not eat. We must bring our Christian values to bear on a situation where many people may become unemployed or underemployed as a consequence of technological developments in society.

As human beings with infinite dignity, we all have intrinsic value that cannot be diminished regardless of our job status. That being said, while more jobs are threatened with automation and therefore elimination, there are things we can do to help ourselves. We can attempt to demonstrate our value to our bosses or to our customers by “selling ourselves” just a little better and showing just how necessary our work is and how indispensable we are. We may learn a few more skills to make our case even stronger. The adage “You get what you pay for” comes to mind, as cost efficiency is one of the selling points of A.I. and robotics. In the event that our jobs go away, we can rely on internal resources like our relationship with the Lord and tap into our own resilience such as by creatively brainstorming all of our resources, human connections and opportunities. This is your right and responsibility- — you cannot be replaced.

time management

Managing Everything But Time

By Michael Kastelnik, Psy.D. – “Time management” is a funny phrase. To see what I mean, take the concept of management as largely understood in a business context. Companies all over the world spend a lot of time and effort to make sure their laborers can get the job done. Sometimes the mere presence of managers helps to keep people honest and ensure they are actually working and not slacking off or engaging in some other activity that is bad for business. This all makes sense with managing people that you can influence, but it makes less sense with such an invaluable yet intangible resource such as time. Nevertheless, there are other aspects of our lives over which we have more obvious control, albeit some of us more than others. I’m talking about things such as energy, stress and attention.

Like with many aspects of life, managing energy levels is relevant to the conversation. As such, any advice on improving time management will include the usual components of self-care such as proper diet, exercise or comparable activity, adequate sleep, maintaining wholesome relationships and stress management. In fact, stress management is a complex skill in itself and it may be fundamental to time management inasmuch as you need to have just the right amount of arousal to complete a task, according to the Yerkes-Dodson model of productivity. Too little concern for a task will literally get you nowhere, while too much concern can lead to progressively worse outcomes. Mistakes can occur. Burnout is an outcome when people are putting in more effort with no more output in the product. And, of course, health problems occur in the short term and over time when people get too stressed. Physiology is simple enough to regulate with activities such as slow, deep breathing or jumping jacks, while mental stress relief may involve something like journaling about concerns.

Attention is another resource that may require more discipline to regulate. We all tend to focus on things we find interesting and space out on boring tasks. Becoming your own behavioral therapist and limiting the interesting things to serve as a reward for the more mundane tasks could not only help you get your work done but could also build a resistance to forming unbalanced habits with things that exploit our attention, such as electronic devices.

In addition to short-term tactics to stay on task, it is also necessary to step back and make sure we are balancing efficiency, the ability to do tasks using less time, money or energy, with effectiveness, which is a positive contribution to our goals.

For example, let’s say you have a goal to build a stone wall on the front of your property. If you know you have a lot of large stones in your backyard, you may decide to start by gathering those stones and bringing them to the other side in the most efficient way possible. You could figure out how to reduce the likelihood of injury by lifting the rocks with a certain technique. You might utilize a simple machine, such a wheelbarrow, to do it quickly with simple machines like a wheelbarrow. You may be tempted to feel so proud of your method that you move the rocks to the backyard again because you can. Maybe that last activity sounds far fetched, but the point is that if the emphasis falls too much on efficiency, you may lose sight of other important things such as implementing the rest of the steps needed to complete the wall, maintaining it, and having a rationale why you are building it that you can instill in your children, who could in turn maintain or improve the wall when their time comes. The point of this example is to show how we need the ability to pause from our work periodically or even regularly to make sure we are growing in virtue and working towards worthwhile goals and not simply keeping busy.

So, what can we do if managing our time seems like such a complex task? We can pray that the Holy Ghost enable us to use His gifts such as wisdom. We can ask for counsel from respected elders and mentors on how to grow in prudence regarding particular problems we would like to solve. We can start where we are and acknowledge what we have some control over, such as self-care and attention, as well as those that we don’t control and could therefore benefit from avoiding worrying about, such as the passage of time. This is the Serenity Prayer in action. While we may not control time, there is a lot we all can do to make the most of it.

Hope for Teens with Specific Strategies

By Gian Milles, M.S., L.P.C.  — We hear a lot today about the mental health crisis in teenagers. While it is true that teen mental health in America has been declining since the early 2010s, there is also reason for hope. According to research from the CDC, about 3 in 5 children ages 6 to 17 exhibit indicators of flourishing, including showing interest in learning new things, staying calm and in control when faced with a challenge, and working to finish tasks they start. Sometimes, with sensationalistic news and no shortage of geopolitical instability, we can be tempted to focus only on the negative. Depending on whether you are an optimist or a pessimist, you may see the 3/5 figure as comforting (over half of our children are healthy!) or worrisome (nearly half of our children are unhealthy!). Either way, I want to share some good news with you.

If you are one of those people who are happy to hear that 3/5 of children are healthy, I rejoice with you. This is certainly a wonderful thing that so many children are doing so well despite the adversity they are facing in our tumultuous times. On the other hand, if you are concerned about those that are not or if you know a young person who is struggling, there is reason for hope.

Psychologists have defined hope as willpower + waypower. What does this mean? It means that having hope consists of having the mental energy or motivation to achieve clear goals and specific pathways, or mental plans, for being able to make these goals happen. With proper coaching, the 40% of children and teens who are experiencing significant anxiety and/or depression can grow in the virtue of hope, and hopeful people are protected against strong, persistent emotions such as anxiety and depression. Helping teens to stay motivated by offering them incentives (e.g. taking them to a sporting event or a trip to Rita’s Water Ice) can be helpful. If it appears that they are motivated, but are having trouble with follow-through, It can also be helpful to help them problem-solve with specific ways they can achieve their goals. This may involve guiding them through building more effective study habits, improving their diet, or helping them to join a sports team or get a gym membership.

In the context of these strategies, the most powerful force for good in a child’s life is unconditional love. Kobe Bryant advocated for this in one of Bryant’s  last interviews. When you tell a child that you love them no matter how they behave, and, what’s more, that God loves them no matter how they behave, this gives teens the freedom to take risks, knowing that failure does not threaten their inherent dignity and lovability.

This combination of unconditional love along with specific goals, motivation, and pathways to success are the resources that allow teens to effectively experience the freedom from anxiety and depression that God and we desire for them.

Integrity Counseling Services

Living on a Tightrope

By Deborah Rojas, MA, LPC — There are many great analogies for describing a sense of feeling overwhelmed. When I was in graduate school, I would often equate it to being on a tightrope, riding a unicycle, juggling plates. Did I mention that the tightrope was suspended over the Grand  Canyon and that it was in the middle of a hurricane?

Reality check!  I can barely walk a balance beam, do not know how to juggle, and am afraid of heights!  While in graduate school, I was working full-time and raising teens as a single parent. Life was stressful academically, relationally, financially, and I struggled knowing what to prioritize. Often, the most urgent item in the moment demanded my attention, and I became accustomed to responding to the tyranny of a deadline.

Feeling overwhelmed made it difficult to maintain the level of productivity necessary, and I began to develop strategies to feel less like I was living on a tightrope and more firmly planted on the ground. These needs were spiritual, physical, and relational. There were many subcategories, but I will share a few that were particularly helpful.

Prayer became a mainstay. I made it a priority to spend time with God daily. It became a regular habit to constantly ask for help. I would ask for God’s grace to get a paper done, plan a liturgy, help me talk with one of my kids, or simply for a moment to breathe. Prayer could not be an hour sitting in quiet, but instead became a way of life. It was a powerful reminder that all of my work was not being done in my own strength. This brought an abundance of peace and helped to navigate away from hyper-independence.

Physically, I started walking and eating more intentionally. I also made it a point to sleep adequately. And, every month, I took a full day to do something in nature, often going to see my friends at a Catholic worker farm. It was challenging to take time away from the time-sensitive pressures of school and work. However, the rejuvenation from taking a walk, eating a healthy meal, or taking a break for a longer moment testified to the benefit of a change of pace.

Relationally, it is amazing what happens when we prioritize love. Every moment with family and friends served as a powerful reminder that we are made by Love Himself for love. I always felt better after a talk with my kids, a phone call with a friend, or the rare dinner out. If I could go back, I would have been more available to my children during those precious teen years. But I struggled to be present in the context of deadlines.

I am so grateful for the changes I was able to make and the lessons I continue to learn in this lifetime journey of growth. It is humbling and good to recognize our needs. Ignoring them leaves us feeling like we are being pummeled by a storm about to lose balance and fall to our demise. The reality is that we are safe in God’s loving hands. Anxiety tells us otherwise. Feeling anxious and overwhelmed may be an opportunity to grow, to better learn how to listen to God’s voice and gain more balance.

Forgiveness from Childhood Wounds and Its Physical, Spiritual and Emotional Affects

By Cindy Dowling, M.A., L.M.F.T. — Forgiving others is one the most difficult things we must do as Christians.  It can also free us from a psychological perspective. Combining the spiritual aspect of forgiveness with the psychological aspect can lead to great healing. Many people have suffered greatly at the hands of others.  I’ve seen the mere thought of forgiving someone, when they have been deeply hurt, cause one to cry, become angry, and/or emotionally shut down.  When I talk about forgiveness, I do not mean to be dismissive of your pain. That is real. Forgiveness is part of the healing process. There are many important places to explore when it comes to forgiveness. For instance, how does holding on to past hurts affect us physically, spiritually and emotionally.

Holding a grudge can lead to many negative physical manifestations including but not limited to stress, headaches, insomnia, heart disease, high blood pressure, increased mental health issues, upset stomachs, etc.

 As for how forgiveness affects us spiritually, in the bible, there are many references to forgiveness and how important it is for us.  Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”  Also, in Matthew you can find the ‘Parable of the Unforgiving Servant.’

I love my house when it has just been cleaned. There is just something wonderful about clean floors, no dust, everything in its place that gives me a sense of peace and happiness. I compare a clean house to cleansing your soul with forgiveness.

I recently had a friend say to me, “If I forgive her, I’m letting her off the hook.” To which I said, “You aren’t letting her off the hook, you are getting rid of the hook she has in you. You need to take the hook of anger and resentment out, so it doesn’t continue to hurt you and hold you down.” By forgiving, you set yourself free emotionally. This doesn’t mean you are saying what the other person did is okay or that you need to allow them in your life to continue to hurt you. It means you are releasing the last of their control over you.

Many times, our interactions with people in our lives today unknowingly may trigger a wound from our past and we may react to them based on the past wound rather than the current situation. Ask yourself, how is this past wound showing up in my current relationship?  Is it affecting the way I trust or treat my family, my spouse, my children?  How will forgiving the wound and releasing the hurt affect my emotional reactions moving forward?

How can you truly heal these childhood wounds? One way is to invite the Holy Spirit into your heart and soul and ask Him to show you wounds from your childhood from which you have not healed. Take time each day to think about these memories and ask Jesus to heal those wounded parts and help you to forgive the person who hurt you.

It is important to also think about the negative things you started to tell yourself when this wound occurred and recognize these negative thoughts are not true. Make sure you also take time to forgive yourself. Many times, we go to confession to ask for God’s forgiveness, but we don’t forgive ourselves. It is just as important to forgive ourselves as it is to forgive others.

If you need more help healing from these past hurts, talk to a priest or therapist to help you process these wounds and truly forgive, so that you can begin to live your life free of resentments and/or grudges.

Dr. Michael Kastelnik Joins Integrity Counseling Services Fulltime

Michael Kastelnik, Psy.D. is a full-time clinical therapist with Integrity Counseling Services. Dr. Michael enjoys helping individuals, couples, and groups struggling with issues such as depression, anxiety, ADHD and men’s issues.

As an Army veteran who has worked with many military veterans over the years, he is keenly aware of the issues veterans face, especially PTSD and addictions.

As a former seminarian, Dr. Michael is passionate about incorporating Catholic spirituality into each client’s treatment program.  He understands that while psychology is a powerful tool, God is the ultimate Healer of people’s lives and relationships.

Dr. Michael is excited to help clients experience real healing, growth, and change in their lives. His goal is to help people attain the fullness of life that God wants for us all!

For more information, visit www.IntegrityCounselingPA.com.

Alcohol Addiction

Drug and Alcohol Addictions: Causes and Enabling vs. Helping

By Gian Milles, MS, LPC, Integrity Counseling Services

Causes of Drug and Alcohol Addictions

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, people begin taking drugs for one or any combination of four reasons:
1) to feel good
2) to feel better if they are feeling bad
3) to improve performance or psychological functioning
4) curiosity and peer pressure.
I believe this is exactly right. This means that when people have an addiction to drugs and/or alcohol, this addiction serves a function.

All of us want to feel good. I do not know anyone who enjoys feeling bad, purely for the experience of feeling bad. Some people may enjoy the pain of a good workout (I do), but it is really the challenging of the mind and the growing of the body that people are after. The pain for its own sake would not be worth it. Even people who engage in self-harm or suicide are typically attempting to alleviate some sort of intense suffering.

At the same time, every single one of us chooses to do things that make us feel bad. We each have bad habits that we are struggling to kick. In this way, we all suffer from addictions. Addiction, as a human phenomenon, is more a matter of degree and type than it is about certain people being built a certain way.

While it is true that we all have addictions, some are certainly more severe than others. My inability to put the stinkin’ remote down and stop watching the second season of Narcos on Netflix (yes, I binge-watched it this past week) is not severe enough to prevent me from going to work. We are all in this together, but some people more than others have addictions that interfere with daily functioning. See the work of experts Dr. Gabor Mate and Dr. Anna Lembke to provide a more comprehensive case for this position.

Enabling vs. Helping

Friends and family can play an instrumental role in enabling an addiction, or conversely, in helping a person to overcome their addiction.

Many people fear losing their loved one, so they do not establish proper boundaries regarding the addicted person. They may even give them money that is being used for the drugs. This enabling is doing far more harm than good. Any addicted person will tell you how brilliant they can be at exploiting their loved ones to finance their addiction. Brief tips on how to avoid enabling include not giving someone money, not allowing someone to spend time with you while they are actively using drugs, and not allowing someone to live with you while they are using. These can be very difficult things to do when we see a person suffering with the disease of addiction, but oftentimes they are what is ultimately most helpful.

On the other hand, people who have the support of friends and family are more likely to overcome their addiction. Part of the reason the 12-step programs like AA and NA have helped so many people is because there is such an emphasis on building relationships. In these relationships, addicted people can feel unconditional love and acceptance. Some ways you can be helpful to an addicted person are by buying them groceries, giving them transportation to work or to a doctor’s appointment, and letting them know that you love them unconditionally and are there for them if they ever need to talk. Tough love in the form of strict boundaries is often the best way to help. Encouraging them to get help and staging an intervention with other loved ones can also be effective.

If you or someone you know is suffering from an addiction to alcohol or drugs, please do not hesitate to reach out for help.

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