Genesis 2: For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

By Cindy Dowling, MS, LMFT — Marriage is a process full of growth and change. In a Christian marriage, each spouse’s role is to help the other get to Heaven. One important way to keep your marriage healthy is to share your expectations. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I am blessed to see clients at all stages of marriage: Couples who are dating and/or engaged who want to make sure they begin their Covenant on the right foot; couples recently married who want to anchor in healthy communication skills before children; couples who need support connecting and parenting young children; couples going through parenting transitions from pre-teens to teens or from high school to college; couples becoming empty nesters; and even retired couples. These couples could be in crisis. They could notice they are heading down a negative path and want to get ahead of a crisis in the future, or they could be just looking to strengthen their relationship.

When a couple gets married, each spouse brings with them their morals, values and traditions from their family of origin. They also bring with them their wounded past, possibly from their family of origin, past relationships or friendships. All these experiences help individuals create expectations of how they think their spouse, parenting and life will play out. When spouses don’t share these expectations with each other, it can lead to resentment and frustration because their needs or milestones they haven’t shared with their spouse have not been met. It is so important for couples to be open and honest, and share with each other the expectations they have for their life.

Here are some examples of expectations that people might forget to share:

• What a marriage should look like, chores, roles, who should work
• Communication
• Intimacy, affection, kind words
• Retirement
• Parenting
• Living close or far from family
• Cleanliness standards
• Sleeping habits (early risers/night owls)
• Need for personal space and need for time together
• Spending vs. saving
• Financial transparency
• Who pays for what
• Parenting styles
• When to have children and how many

This is a list of just some of the expectations I see couples struggle with in my practice. According to Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute,  the normal couple waits an average of over six years of being unhappy before they seek marital therapy.  If you are feeling unhappy in your marriage, don’t wait for help. Find a therapist who you connect with that you can have for the life of your marriage.