By Gian Milles, MS, LPC — Every so often, throughout the course of counseling, a person will come out with the question or phrase, “Why is God not answering my prayers?” In these moments, I am called to bring myself back to moments in my life when I felt like there was no way out, and a prayer of desperation was my only recourse. From my experience as a therapist, I have learned that many of us have had moments like this.

Whittington and Scher (2010) found that some forms of prayer are associated with improvements in well-being, while others have either a neutral or negative impact on well-being. What does this mean? Shouldn’t all prayer be helpful? How can reaching out to God be unhelpful? I believe that prayers such as the above, which implicitly question God’s presence, goodness and love, illuminate the reason some prayers are not helpful to mental health.

But first, let me preface this with the fact that God loves everyone exactly as they are, and He is particularly present with the broken-hearted and the suffering (Psalm 34:18). There is nothing God desires more than for humans to flourish on this earth and to spend eternity with Him. That being said, God gives everyone our free will, which obviously, we misuse. We are invited to respond to God’s grace, or we will limit our participation in its benefits.

When we ask questions such as “Why is God not answering my prayers?,” we do something that prevents us from flourishing. We blame-shift. We state that God is the One who is capable and responsible for changing our lives, and we are not. It is His fault that we are suffering in this way, and we cannot be held accountable for our actions.

This blame-shifting reinforces the belief that we are incapable of change. And when we do not feel capable of change, it is nearly impossible for us to take the steps necessary to actually grow. Said differently, we generally think this way when we feel powerless and hopeless to change our situation.

Research confirms this, as one of the main prayer types that people find unhelpful or harmful is supplication, or asking God for things (Whittington & Scher, 2010). I would argue that this is a misuse of supplication, as asking God for things can aid us in humility and reliance on God, which is the heart of the spiritual life. However, asking God to do things we can and must do ourselves is a recipe for misery.

The first step, however, is feeling seen and known in these places where we feel powerless and hopeless. You can call this empathy. When we feel seen and known, we feel liberated. It is a paradoxical element of human nature that the validation of our suffering by another person decreases our suffering. This is chemically true, as feelings of connectedness to others release chemicals in our brain that act as analgesics, or painkillers. We need to first feel that others are with us in our suffering. We are understood, we are known, and we are loved. This gives us the power to enact change in our lives.

This is the “special sauce” of counseling. Many people either do not have someone to talk to about their innermost feelings or they have tried, but for some reason they persistently feel misunderstood. This can be due to either a lack of genuine love and empathy from others or because the structure of a certain part of a person is such that they are unable to receive this love and empathy (more on this in a future article).

Sometimes, it is true that empathy will not be enough to promote change. This is where encouragement and challenge have their place. Sometimes people do need to be called out on their nonsense and given an extra push to help them engage with the change process. There is a time and place for different approaches.

If you or someone you know feels stuck in a particular area of suffering, know that you do not have to suffer alone and that healing is possible.